Jokes News

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster upon arrival walks over to the old rooster and says, “OK, old man, time to pack your bags and retire.” The old rooster says with conviction, “You can’t handle all these chickens… Just look at what it did to me!” The young rooster replies, “Now, it is time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.”

The old rooster a little worried now says, “Aw, c’mon…just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won’t bother you.” The young rooster replies, “SCRAM, beat it, you’re all washed up you old fuck, I’m taking over!!!” So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the younger, “I’ll tell you what, I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gains the dominance of the chicken coop. And I am so feeble, why not give me a little head start?”

The young rooster willing to show his dominance says, “Sure old man, you know I will beat you.” They line up in back of the farmhouse and get a chicken to cluck, “Go” and the old rooster takes off running. A few seconds go by and the young rooster takes off after him. As he rounds the first corner the young rooster is on the heels of the old rooster and gaining fast, the farmer, who is sitting on the porch, looks up and sees what is going on, so he grabs his shotgun and BOOM! He blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.

The farmer then looks at the ground digging his toe in the dirt and shaking his head says, “Damn, that’s the third gay rooster that I brought home this week.”

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “Well, it could have been worse.”

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”

“That’s awful, said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”

“How in hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “could it have been worse?!!”

“Well,” replied Frank, “if it had happened the night before, I’d be dead now!”

A Mexican is trying to cross the border to America when a border guard stops him.

The border guard says to the Mexican that before he can cross he has to make a sentence for every word that the border guard gives him.

The border guard tells him that he has to use the words green, pink, and yellow.

The Mexican agrees and says, “Ok I’m ready.”

The border guard says,”Ok go ahead.”

The Mexican says,” The telephone goes green green green….. I pink it up…… And I say yellow!”

Sing the song below to the tune of “Summer Lovin’” from the musical “Grease.”
Bill: “Summer intern, had me a blast”
Monica: “White house intern, happened so fast”
Bill: “Met a girl, crazy for me”
Monica: “Met the prez, down on my knees”
Bill: “Summer days sucking away but, oh oh, those summer nights”
Investigation Committee: “Well, ah.. well, ah….well, ah UH! Tell us more, tell us more”
Linda Tripp: “Try to remember your best”
Investigation Committee: “Tell us more, tell us more”
Kenneth Starr: “Did he cum on your dress?”
———————————————
Bill: “Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp”
Monica: “The prez is sexy - he makes my panties damp”
Bill: “She gave me head, right in the White House”
Monica: “I said OK, just don’t come in my mouth:
Investigation Committee: “Well, ah.. well, ah….well, ah. uh Tell us more, tell us more”
Linda Tripp: “he sounds like a swell guy”
Investigation Committee: “Tell us more, tell us more”
Kenneth Starr: “Did he tell you to lie?”
———————————————
Bill: “Press found out, it turned into a mess”
Monica: “He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress”
Bill: “She promised to lie, she made a vow”
Monica: “Wonder who is servicing him now”
Bill & Monica: “Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams
But………oh…..

Those White House Nights”

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, you’ve done more than your share with 35 children.

Q. I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A. So what’s your question?

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

What is the difference between a drunken sailor and Monica Lewinsky?

One is a seaman who can’t hold his liquor the other is a licker who can’t hold her semen.

The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard at low pay for long hours.

The blacksmith immediately began his instructions to the lad, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”

The apprentice did just as he was told. Now HE’s the village blacksmith!

Three coaches flew to the NCAA Convention. The plane crashed, and all three died. They all noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair.

God motioned for one of them to come into the clouds. Then he wanted to know three things: “Who are you? What did you do? What did people think of you?”

The first coach said, “I’m Denny Crum. I was the second-best coach in the nation. I won two national championships and over 20 games a year. The people of Kentucky think I’m great.”

God said, “Fine, Denny. Stand on my right side.”

The next person said, “I’m Rick Pitino. I was the third-best coach in the nation. I won an SEC Championship and turned the program around to a fairly respectable one. The people of Kentucky think I’m great.”

God said, “Fine, Rick. Stand on my left side.”

The third person stood before God and said, “I’m Bobby Knight, and I’ve won three national championships, 2 NIT championships the Pan Am Games, the Olympics, 9 Big Ten championships, and I was the youngest coach ever to win 600 games. The people of Indiana think you are sitting in my chair.”

Your mamma is so fat she wore a yellow dress to the bus station, bent over and everybody got in.

A man and women get into their hotel room in which they will stay for their honey moon. The man looks at his wife, drops his pants, and throws his boxers at her.

Man - “Put those on!”

Woman - “I can’t wear these!”

Man - “That’s right…and don’t you forget!”

The woman slips off her silk panties and throws them at her husband.

Woman - “Put on those!”

Man holds up the skimpy little panties…and says

Man - “I can’t get into these.”

Woman - “That’s right…and it will continue to be right till your atitude changes.”