Jokes News

Q. How do you know when your girlfriend is taking steriods??

A. She can fuck you up the arse with her clitoris…

Around the time the Clinton impeachment hearings were under way, I was taking a political science class at a community college. One of our assignments was to prepare a speech on anything related to the presidency.

I’ll never forget when a Japanese student went to the front of the class to deliver his speech:

“My speech today is on the Presidential erection process.” The whole class was cracking up throughout the whole speech because of phrases like “the president’s wife was pleased with the outcome of this year’s erection”, etc.

yo’mama is so nasty, she got fired from her job at the sperm bank … for drinking on the job.

Q: What runs across the floor with no legs?

A: Water!

These are supposedly actual signs. You be the judge. Whether or not they are real, they sure are funny!

In the front yard of a funeral home,
“Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”

On an electrician’s truck,
“Let us remove your shorts.”

Outside a radiator repair shop,
“Best place in town to take a leak.”

In a nonsmoking area,
“If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door,
“Push, Push, Push.”

On a front door,
“Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.”

At an optometrist’s office,
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window,
“We really know our stuff.”

On a butcher’s window,
“Let me meat your needs.”

On a fence,
“Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership,
“The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop,
“No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

In a dry cleaner’s emporium,
“Drop your pants here.”

On a desk in a reception room,
“We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room,
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

In a Beauty Shop,
“Dye now!”

In a restaurant window,
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.”

Inside a bowling alley,
“Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.”

In a cafeteria,
“Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.”

The stunning blonde coed was stunned herself when her biology professor asked her, “What part of the human anatomy enlarges to about ten times its normal size during periods of emotion or excitement?”

” I… I refuse to answer that question!” she stammered as she shyly avoided looking at her classmates sitting nearby. One of them was called upon next, and he correctly answered, “The pupil of the eye.”

“Miss Rogers,” Said the professor, “Your refusal to answer my question makes three things evident:
First, you didn’t study last night’s assignment.
Second, you have a dirty mind.
And third, I’m afraid marriage is going to be a tremendous disappointment for you!”

1.Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at stratigic locations
2.Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store
3.Set all the clocks alarms to go off every ten minutes
4.Start playing kickball see how many people you can get to play with you
5.Contaminate the entire auto department by testing all the air fresheners
6.Challenge other people to duels with gift wrap
7.leave cryptic messages on type writers
8.re-dress the mannequins as you se fit
9.when there are people behind you walk as slowly as possible esspesially in the small aisles
10.wlak up to an employee and tell him in an official tone “i think we’ve got a code red!”
11.play with the automatic doors
ride the display bikes through out the hole store telling people you are just taking for a test drive
12.play soccer with a group of friends useing the store as your playing field
13.take off your shoe’s saying you want to return them if the cashier says you didn’t buy these here say yes i did then say the customer is always right
14.move caution wet floor signs to carpeted areas
15.when to or more people are walking beside each other run be tween them and say red rover
16.try to fit in large gym bags
17. try to fit others in large gym bags
18.when a announcement comes over the loud speaker drop to your knees and say ohh no the voises again nooo!
19.tp as much of the store as possible
20.smack other costomers and say shut up just shut up

ABSOLUTELY VITAL THINGS TO
KNOW ABOUT TAKING A BATH

- When you leave a bath to run by itself, the plug jumps just as you leave the bathroom and you return to an empty bath just as the hot water runs out.

- Spiders can run round the bath faster than you can.

- If you run a bath too hot you don’t realize this until
you sit in the other end and burn your ass.

- It is physically impossible to turn a tap on or off with
your foot.

- When you lie back in the bath, your right foot slips
forward until it is positioned exactly beneath the dripping tap.

- The odd flannel you are using to wash yourself is not
a flannel at all; it is a sock which has fallen from above.

- The dirt you wash off yourself gathers on the surface of the water and then re-attaches itself to you as you rise to leave.

- Lost soap is ALWAYS behind you.

- When you get out of the bath, the first bit you dry is
the one bit you just realized you forgot to wash.

- However hard you dry yourself, you are still wet when
you put your clothes on.

Yo mamma so fat, she got hit by a bus and said stop pushing