Jokes News

Q. What do you call a turtle with a hard on?

A. A slow poke.

Sick and tired of hearing all those nasty blonde jokes and of how all blondes are perceived to be dumb, this blonde is determined to show her husband that blondes are really smart. While her husband is off to work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 pm and smells the distinct smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He rushes over and asks, “Jeez, are you all right?”

She slowly nods her head to signify that she is okay.

“What are you doing?” he asks incredulously.

“I wanted to prove that not all blonde women are dumb,” she explains. “And I wanted to do it by painting the house.”

“Well, why do you have both a ski jacket and a fur coat on?” he asks dumbfounded.

“Well,” she says. “I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said: ‘For best results, put on two coats.’”

The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying ranch, when he crossed paths with the town gossip and decided to give her some news to feed her habit with.

“Doctor Wilson, how is the Smith baby?”

“Well, the child was porn without a penis,” the doctor said.

“OH MY GOODNESS!!” said the gossip.

“Yes, but she”ll have a darn nice place to put one in 18 years or so.”

50. Act Naturally
49. Found Missing
48. Resident Alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine Imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good Grief
43. Same Difference
42. Almost Exactly
41. Government Organization
40. Sanitary Landfill
39. Alone Together
38. Legally Drunk
37. Silent Scream
36. British Fashion
35. Living Dead
34. Small Crowd
33. Business Ethics
32. Soft Rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software Documentation
28. New York Culture
27. New Classics
26. Sweet Sorrow
25. Childproof
24. “Now, then…”
23. Synthetic “Natural” Gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive Agression
20. Taped Live
19. Clearly Misunderstood
18. Peace Force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary Tax Increase
15. Computer Jock
14. Plastic Glasses
13. Terribly Pleased
12. Computer Security
11. Political Science
10. Tight Slacks
09. Definite Maybe
08. Pretty Ugly
07. Twelve-ounce Pound Cake
06. Diet Ice Cream
05. Rap Music
04. Working Vacation
03. Exact Estimate
02. Religious Tolerance
01. Microsoft Works

The young dude in the Old West wanted to be the fastest gunfighter alive.

Sitting in a saloon one night, he spotted an old graybeard who had the reputation of having been the greatest gunslinger of his day. The kid sidled up to the old man and told him of his dream. The ancient legend looked him up and down and said, “I got a suggestion that’s sure to help.”

“Tell me, tell me!” said the newbie.

“Tie the bottom of your holster lower down on
your leg.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?”

“You damn betcha,” said the old man.

The kid did as he was told, drew his gun, and neatly shot the bow tie off the piano player.

“Wow, that really helped! Got any more suggestions?”

“Yeah: If’n you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun’ll slide out a lot smoother.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?”

“You damn betcha.”

The dude did as he was told, then draw his gun and, lightning quick, shot a cufflink off the piano player.

“This is really helping me out! Is there anything else you can share with me?”

“One more thing,” said the old-timer. “Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun.” The fellow didn’t hesitate and immediately started smearing the grease on the gun barrel.

“No, no, the whole gun,” said the graybeard. “Handle and everything.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?”

“Not likely, boy. But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that there bar piano, he’s gonna shove that gun up your ass, and this way it won’t hurt so much.”

A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

“You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what has been going on!”

The missionary replies: “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrance - what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”

The chief pauses for a moment then says “Tell you what, you don’t say anything about the sheep and I’ll keep mum about the child!”

women pregnant with tripplets gets shot in the belly 3 times and survives so do the babies. 10 years later she's sat nitting one of her kids comes in and says "mam i had a pee and a bullet came out". "thats ok she says" . 2 mins later the other kid comes

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.
Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.”
Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart and will answer the question.”
Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”
Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”
Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”
Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”
Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”
Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”
The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”
Johnny: “BILL CLINTON. CAN I GO NOW?”

When I born, I black ,> when I grow up, I black,> when I go in sun,! I black,> when I cold, I black ,> when I scared, I black,> when I sick, I black,> and when I die, I still black.>>>> You white folks....>> when you born, you pink ,> when you grow up, yo

What did the blondes left leg say to her right leg?

Nothing, they’ve never met!