Jokes News

A guy goes into a locker room where he see’s this man with a tatoo of a hundred dollar bill on his dick. Curiosity over came him, so he approched the guy, after he finished drying off. “Excuse me sir, forgive me but I have to ask why you have a tatoo of a hundred dollar bill on your dick?”. The man turned and smiled at his question, and answered, “Because my wife can blow a hundred bucks like that!”.

Marilyn goes for her annual checkup and when she removes her sweater, the doctor sees that she has had a large letter ‘H’ tatooed on her chest.

“Well, Marilyn”, says the doc, “what’s this all about?”

“My boyfriend goes to Harvard,” she replies, “and I like to show him how much I love him.”

The doctor just shakes his head, thinking that Marilyn has flipped out, but when he examines Debbie the following day and sees a large ‘Y’ on her chest, he realizes that he’s witnessing a trend. “I suppose your boyfriend goes to Yale”, he says to Debbie.

“Yes, doctor”, she smiles, “and he loves it when he takes off my bra and sees how much I love him.”

The doctor is pleased that he’s getting so good at this game, and when Tracy shows him her chest with the large ‘M’ on it later that day, he says “Wait, Tracy, let me guess…your boyfriend goes to Michigan.”

“No, doc,” grins Tracy, “My girlfriend goes to Wisconsin.”

What do you call an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in West Virginia?

A family reunion.

Rejected Dr. Suess Books-
1. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
2. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
3. Fox in Detox
4. Who Shat in the Hat?
5. Horton Hires a Ho
6. The Flesh Eating Lorax
7. How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8. Your Colon Can Moo—Can You?
9. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10. The Cat in the Blender
11. Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12. Are You My Proctologist?
13. Yentl the Lentil
14. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
15. Aunts in My Pants
16. Oh, the Places You’ll Scratch and Sniff!
17. Horton Fakes an Orgasm
18. The Grinch’s Ten Inches

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Q: Why did the squirrel scream?

A: ‘Cause someone grabbed his nuts.

Q: What do you call a vegetarian with the runs?

A: A salad shooter

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

~Author unknown

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.

He took pity on her and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for.

I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.”

Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy”.

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

“What are you doing here?” the Captain asked.

“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”

“He sure is, lady,” the Captain said. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

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