Jokes News

Lorena Bobbitt’s sister was arrested last night for attempting to cause the same damage to her husband, except she missed and hit his leg.

She has been charged with a “misdeweiner.”

A newlywed groom and his best man, both of whom are notorious playboys who always know their way around women, are observing all the women in the wedding reception. The groom boasts to his best man, “You know, I have fucked all the women in this room except for my new wife, her mother, my mother and my sisters.”

Nodding in agreement, the best man says with great pride, “Well, between the both of us, we got all the women here covered.”

A police officer pulled over a red Porsche after it had run a stop sign. He walked up to the car door and said, “Sir, May I see your driver’s license and registration please?”

The driver said, “What’s the problem, officer?”

“Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.”

“Oh, come on pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me!”

“Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with caution.”

“You gotta be kidding me!”

“It’s no joke, sir”.

“Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with caution.”

“That’s beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete stop, and you didn’t. Now if I may see your license and…”

“You’ve got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What’s the matter, all the doughnut shops closed?”

“Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and registration immediately!”

“I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and coming to a complete stop.”

The police officer had enough and said to the driver, “Sir, I can do better than that.” He opened the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

“Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?”

The day before John was to get married he confided in his father that he was scared and asked him his advice as to what he should do.

John’s father said, “Son, you must follow your heart as to what’s right but I will tell you this story of the last time I was scared.”

John’s father continued: “The year was 1969, I was a paratrouper in the 101st airborn. We were instructed to jump from ten thousand feet into a hostile enemy zone. As I watched the rest of the company jump from the plane, I became very scared. When it was my turn to jump I refused. The Sergeant looked right at me and told me to jump. Again I refused his order. This time the Sergeant said: ‘Private, if you don’t jump I’m gonna shove my big dick up your ass’ .”

Amazed at his father’s story John asked: “Did you jump?”

John’s father replied: “A little at first.”

Question: How do you blindfold a Chinese person?

Answer: With Dental Floss

Q. How can Michael Jackson’s son tell when it is bedtime?

A. When the big hand touches the little hand.

a man and his wife are lying in bed, when all of a suddent the wife asks "honey if i died would you get a new girlfriend?" bewildered at this the husband replies "what?..." he is cut off with "no honestly if i dropped dead would you move on and get anothe

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.

The girl came up to him and asked “What do you have under the newspaper, mister?”

“A bird,” the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied, “I don’t know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I’m here.”

The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her “What did you do to that naked fellow?”

After a little pause, the girl replied, “To him? Nothing. But I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire.”

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said,
“I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”

The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear?” she asked.

The little boy replied, “I heard Daddy tell mommy that he would climb the fucking walls if you came to visit us again.”

What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.