Jokes News

A professor was walking along a very narrow lane when he came face to face with a rival professor. The lane was too narrow for both of them to pass at the same time. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily: “I never make way for fools!”

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said, “I always do.”

A businesswoman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her.

“Hi, Honey,” he says. “Want a little company?”

“Why?” asks the woman. “Do you have one to sell?”

There were two Irish women walking down the main street of Belfast when one said to the other, “Don’t you think all those soldiers look stupid wearing camouflage uniforms in the middle of a city?”

The other woman replied, “What soldiers?”

An elderly man in Florida calls his son in New York. The father says to his son, “I hate to tell you, but we’ve got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can’t stand each other anymore, and we’re getting a divorce.

I’ve had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I’m telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn’t go into shock later when I move out.”

He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The sister says, “I’ll handle this!”

She calls Florida and says to her father, “Don’t do ANYTHING until we get there! We’ll be there Wednesday night.”

The father agrees. He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, “Okay, they’re coming for Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?”

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Manager, interviewing a job applicant: “For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage.”

Job Applicant: “Well Sir, the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing!”

Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, “You know, girls, I have known you all a long time, and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a Keptomaniac. But, don’t worry, I have never stolen from you, and I never will. We have been friends for too long.”

The second lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions, I must get something off my chest, too. I am a Nymphomaniac. But don’t worry. I have not hit on your husbands. They don’t interest me and never will. We have been friends for too long.”

“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry. I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”

The fourth lady stands up, picks up her purse and says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make.”

Q.) How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A.) None, they all just sit in the dark and bitch.

Q. How did the blonde break her leg rakeing the leaves?

She fell out of the tree.

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