Jokes News

A soldier from the Scottish Royal Pipers brought a carefully wrapped package into the dry cleaners.

“Good mornin’, Sergeant”, said the clerk behind the counter. “What can we do for ye today.”

Gingerly undoing the string and the wrapping paper, the sergeant opened the box and carefully removed a used, wet Trojan contraceptive. “I’d like a quotation to have this dry cleaned”, he said.

“Well, Sir, I would have to charge you fifty cents to dry clean it, but you can buy a new package of three for a dollar at the drugstore.”

“I’ll have to let ye know”, said the sergeant.

He returned the next day and said to the clerk, “I explained to the Regiment what ye said and we voted unanimously to have it dry cleaned.”

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could be done to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting close, try startling yourself.”

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out, he runs home to his wife. At home, his wife is in bed, naked, and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the ‘69 position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?”

The man answered, “Not that well…when I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet nake with his hands in the air!”

What does the female reindeer do when the male reindeer is out on the route?

Goes to town and blows some bucks.

There’s a man walking home alone at night, and there is a “BUMP…BUMP…BUMP” behind him. He walks faster and looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging it’s way down the middle of the street towards him…

“BUMP … BUMP…BUMP…” The man begins to run towards his home, and the coffin bounces after him faster…faster…BUMPBUMPBUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door… locks it…and the coffin crashes through his door and the lid to the coffin begins to lift open, bumping towards him.

The man runs to the bathroom and locks himself, heart pounding, and CRASH, the coffin breaks down the door, coming slowly towards him, the man screaming…

the man reaches for something, anything…

and he finds a box of cough drops and throws them at the coffin…

and the coffin stops….

John is sitting in a bar drinking his drink when an old man walks by and says; "I did your mother."John ignores the old man and keeps drinking. A little while later the same old man walks by and says; "I did your mother."John once again ignores him and ke

Q: What do you call 24 blondes upside down in a cardboard box?

A: A case of slits

What day of the year is a command?

March fourth.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said, “stand in the corner.”

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.

“Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly.

“The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

“Here,” he said to the ’statue’, “eat something…

I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water!”

Four surgeons were sitting around a table, talking about which type of people they like to operate on.

“I like to operate on librarians,” says the first one. “When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order.”

“I like to operate on accountants,” said the second one. “When you open them up, they are in numerical order.”

“I like to operate on engineers.” said the third one. “They will understand if you end up with some extra parts.”

The fourth one thought for a second. Finally, he said, “I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, brainless, gutless, and you don’t need to be able to tell their head from their rear end.”

Festivity Level 1:

Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d’oeuvres.

Festivity Level 2:

Your guests are talking loudly — sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing “I Gotta Be Me” around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d’oeuvres.

Festivity Level 3:

Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction,” gulping down other people’s drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d’oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level 4:

Your guests, hors d’oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies, are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. Neighbors have all called 911. Sirens can be heard approaching in the background.

Seriously, you really want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4. The best way to get to level 3 is spiked eggnog.

HELPFUL TIP:

Often bail bondsmen will give you a group rate if you reach Level 4 on at least two consecutive Christmas parties.