Jokes News

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself.

After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there’s a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie. As they’re laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, “I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I’ve been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one.” The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, “Was I already here?”

Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried. Wussy.

Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, gimme a break. He’s been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, this time, I’d rather not have your mother join us. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you! But, have to admit . . . .

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. Sore as hell. . . .

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn’t working. What am I gonna do? I feel tacky all over . .

Day 11.
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was “The Smurfs Do Denmark.” Even my armpits hurt. He’s a nasty man.

Day 12.
OK, I’m basically being drilled to death. It’s like going out with a Black and Decker power tool. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed.

Day 13.
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying ‘fabulous,’ and still he keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous . . . .

Day 14.
Now I know how Saddam Hussein’s wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. Let’s hope he’s not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out. . . I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry” butt-thing again, I’m gonna kill him.

Day 15.
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me “Sister Wendy” makes “Father Woody” want to bark like a dog. Help me.

Day 16.
I think I will have to kill him. Then he’ll go out the way he wants to - stiff. With my luck, I won’t be able to close the casket. I’m starting to adhere to everything I sit on. The cats are afraid of him and the neighbors no longer come over. Last night I told him to fuck himself; he did. He must die.

Friends lunching at the home of Pablo Picasso in the south of France commented on the fact that their host had none of his own paintings on the walls. “Why is that, Pablo?” one of them asked. “Don’t you like them?”

“On the contrary,” replied the painter, “I like them very much. It’s just that I can’t afford them.”

Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher. She says, “Hello class, I’m Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an “r” after the first letter.” The entire class says, “Hello Mrs. Prussy.”

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick. When Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and says to the teacher, “I Remember it has an “R” after the first letter.”

“That’s right,” she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Johnny says, “Mrs. Crunt?”

Yo mama so dumb I told her to look around for a thesaurus and she say I thought dinosaurs were extinct.

A kindergarten teacher was testing his kids on religion. He asked a little boy, “What does the Bishop do?”

After a moment of hesitation, the boy responded, “He moves diagonally.”

Wife: Oh, Baby, I’m soooooooo hot.
Husband: Go to sleep, Honey, I have to get up early.
Wife: It won’t take long.
Husband: It’ll wake me up. I won’t be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I won’t sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I’m hot, Sweetie.
Husband: Geez, you get hot at the darndest times.
Wife: If you loved me, I wouldn’t have to beg.
Husband: If you loved me, you’d be more considerate.
Wife: I don’t think you love me anymore.
Husband: Yes, I do, but just try to get to sleep.
Wife: (sob-sob)
Husband: Alright, alright, I’ll do it.
Wife: (after a few minutes) What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can’t find it.
Wife: Well, feel for it. It hasn’t gone anywhere.
Husband: (finally, after two minutes) There! Satisfied?
Wife: (lovingly) Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Did I put it up far enough?
Wife: Yes, perfect.
Husband: Now go to sleep, and next time, tell me BEFORE we go to sleep that you want the window open.

Question: Why are married women heavier than single women?

Answer: Single women come home, see what’s in the frige and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in the bed and go to the fridge.

Hillery Clinton and St. Peter were taking a walk in heaven one day. Hillery noticed all these clocks around. She asked,”What are all these clocks for?” St. Peter replied,”For every lie someone tells, their clock advances one minute. See, over there? That is Abe Lincoln’s clock. He only told two lies in his life. His clock reads: two after twelve.” Then Hillery asked,”Where is my husbands clock, where’s Bill’s clock?” Peter replied,”That is in Jesus’s office, he uses it for a fan.

In the beginning after God created Adam and Eve, he asked, “Which one would like to pee standing up?”

Adam went crazy, shouting that he wanted to pee standing up.

“Fine,” said God, “Women get multiple orgasms.”