Jokes News

A man walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy.”

Bartender says, “You want them both now or do you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour his?”

The guy says, “Oh, I want them both now. I’ve got my best buddy in my pocket here.” He then pulls a little 3 inch man out of his pocket.

The bartender asks, “You mean to say, he can drink that much?” “Oh, sure. He can drink it all and then some,” the man retorted.

So, the bartender pours the 2 shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

“That’s amazing!” says the bartender. “What else can he do? Can he walk?”

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, “Hey, Rodney, go fetch that quarter.” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter and runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. “That’s amazing!” he says. “What else can he do? Does he talk?”

The man looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise in his eye and says, “Talk? Sure he talks.

Hey, Rodney, tell him about that time we were in down in Africa, on safari, hunting and you called that native Witch doctor a dickhead!”

A father is in church with his three young children, including his five-year-old daughter.

As was his custom, he sat on the very front row so that the children could better see all that was going on.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five-year-old girl was most enthralled by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant’s head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked, “Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?”

Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal?

A: One is a busy ditch.

“Everyday some new do gooder is trying to save us from ourselves. We have so many laws and safety commissions to ensure our safety that it seems nearly impossible to have an accident.

The problem is, we need accidents, and LOTS of them. Danger is natures way of eliminating stupid people. Without safety, stupid people die in accidents!

With safety, however well-intentioned it may be, we are, devolving into half-witted mutants because idiots, who by all rights should be dead, are spared from their rightful early graves and are free to breed even more imbeciles.

Let’s do away with safety and improve our species. Take up smoking! Jay walk! Play with blasting caps! Swim right after a big meal! Stick something small in your ear! Watch an entire 5 days of the impeachment trial!

Take your choice of dangerous activity and do it with gusto.
Future generations will thank you.

There was this girl who needed a date to her prom, so she asked her brother to go with her.

He refused, and so she said, “Well everyone else is doing it,” and so he then agreed.

At the Prom, the girl asked her brother to dance. Again, he refused and she said,”Well, everyone else is doing it,” so he then agreed.

As they were dancing, she looked around and saw everyone french kissing. So she asked her brother to french kiss her. He refused again and she said, “well, everyone else is doing it,” so he kissed her.

After the Prom, they rode in their limousine to a deserted area. She asked her brother to have sex with her, and he refused, so she repeated herself saying,” well, everyone else is doing it,” so he then agreed.

As they were into it, she said, “You’re really good at this. About as good as Dad.”

Then he said, “Oh, I know, that’s what mom told me too.”

One day a man was driving down the road & saw a pig with a wooden leg, so he stopped to see what was up.

So he knocked on the door & a lady answered.

He said, “Where did you get a pig with a wooden leg?”

The lady said, “Well, we got him from Czechoslavakia…

Anyway, soon after we got him, he was sniffing around, so we thought we would drill — $500,000 worth of royalties in oil.

A couple years later he was sniffing around again. So we drilled… Gas. $1,000,000 in royalties.

But what’s most important — a couple days ago there was a fire. Pig came in saved us all!”

The man said, “Yeah, I understand that, but what is with the wooden leg?”

The lady said, “A pig like that, you don’t eat all at once!!”

To test the “Stupidity Quotient” of your friends, the next time you are outdoors with a friend, shout: “Oh, my God, there is a dead bird !”

If your friend looks UP and says, “Where?” you will know that tree bark probably has more brain cells!

yo mama is so black when she get out of her car the oil light comes on.

Yo mama so fat, her belt size is the equator.

Father O’Malley has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married, and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life.

So he decides to go to the United States before he is too old to enjoy it. He hops on a plane bound for Nevada. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, “ELVIS! OH MY GOD! IT’S ELVIS! I knew you weren’t dead, Elvis! How have you been?”

Father looks at her and says, “Get outta me face. Can’t you see I’m not Elvis? I don’t look a thing like Elvis.”

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops into his cab, and he’s a little upset so tells the cabby, “Take me to my hotel and step on it.”

The cabby turns and says, “Sure thing, Sir–OH MY GOD! IT’S ELVIS! I knew you weren’t dead! I’m your number one fan! It’s so great to SEE you again!”

“Shut up, you imbecile,” says the Father. “I’m NOT Elvis! Now turn around and drive!” So the cabby speeds up to the hotel.

Father O’Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. “OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! IT’S YOU! screams the hotel clerk. “YOU’RE BACK, ELVIS! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complimentary hookers and a full liquor bar! I’m so glad you’re back!”

Father O’Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, “Thank you…Thank you very much!”