Jokes News

King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he’d see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week..

A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt… except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

“This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, Sire, just observe,” said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt where upon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch, “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal -short arm- inspection.

Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad”, exclaimed King Arthur, “The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

But… Sir Galahad was speechless.

Q: What do you call a virgin, who has never smoked a joint in their life and has never had a drink of alcohol or had any run ins with the police?

A: A foreigner

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for Dave. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20.

Dave, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home ahd told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Alabama, son.”

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Dave rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening Dave once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “That’s because you are form Alabama, son.”

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Dave noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly “well endowed”. This confused him. That night he told his dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger that theirs. Is that because I”m from Alabama?” he asked.

“No son,” explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”

A midget is on trial for raping a 600 pound woman by using a bucket. His attorney showed with one kick the lady could knock the man and the bucket over.

The jury found him not guilty and he was set free, but the judge knew that the man was guilty. So the judge called the midget into his room and said, “You can’t be tried for the same crime twice, so tell me, how did you do it?”

“The bucket,” said the midget

“But how?” cried the judge. “Couldn’t the bucket have been kicked over?”

“I didn’t stand on the bucket. I put it over her head and swung from the handle!”

Dear Sir,

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to go into the “not raising hogs” business next year. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven’t raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the futures of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422, in 1968, until this year, when he got your check for $1,000 for not raising them. If I get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised,which will mean about $80,000 for the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs that I will not raise, will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you pay farmers not to raise corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising corn and wheat not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? Also, I am considering the “not milking cows” business, so send me any information you have on that also.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically yours,
xxxxxx

P.S. Please notify me of what other government programs I can “not” participate in.

A little kid comes running into the backyard.

He says, “Pop! Pop! Ma just got hit by a bus!”

“Son, you know my lips are chapped. Please don’t make me smile.”

Two gay guys walk into a bar. The first one takes a seat and the second one asks, “May I push in your stool?”

YUCK! LOL!

First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having a girl to girl talk in the East Room one afternoon. Hillary says to Janet “You’re lucky that you don’t have to put up with men wanting to have sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and you never know what his little pecker’s been into.”

Janet responded somewhat defensively
“Just because I look like a butch dike doesn’t mean that men aren’t attracted to me. I have to fight off many unwelcome sexual advances.”

“So how do you deal with the problem?” Hillary asks.

“Well”, whispers Janet, “whenever a guy starts coming on to me, I relax my rectum and blow out the loudest, stinkiest fart I can.”

That night, Hillary was already in bed with the lights out and knew that Bill would be looking for a little action when he came in from a late meeting. She had deliberately ordered cabbage rolls for dinner which always gave her intense, putrid gas. When he opens the bedroom door and squints into the darkness, Hillary forces out the loudest, smelliest fart you can imagine.

Bill whispers “What are you doing here, Janet?”.

Knock Knock….

Who’s there?

Cargo…

Cargo Who?

Cargo honk honk!!!!

Why did God create women after he had created men?

Because you always make a rough draft before a masterpiece.