Jokes News

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
—————–
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
————————
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
———————–
A lady inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Husband wanted”. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
———————–
The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, “I’ve found a man just like father!” Her mother replied, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”
———————–
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
——————————————
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. ——————-
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
———————-
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
———————-
Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”
———————–
A woman was telling her friend, “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.” “And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend. The woman replied, “A billionaire.”
———————–
“The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.”
———————–
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
———————–
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
———————–
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
———————–
You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
———————–
During a heated spat over finances the husband said, “Well, if you’d learn to cook and were willing to clean this place, we could fire the maid.” The wife, fuming, shot back, “Oh yeah??? Well, if you’d learn how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur and the gardener.”
———————–
Personally, I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
————————
According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men fantasize that their wives aren’t fantasizing.
————————-
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
————————-
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
————————-
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
————————-
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
————————–
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
————————–
First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
—————————
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
————————–

A guy and a gal meet in an elevator. The guy asks, “Which floor?” The gal says, “Third floor.”

The guy reads the list of offices on the wall and says, “Oh, going to give blood, I see.”

She says, “Yup, it’s worth $30.00. Which floor are you going to?”

He replies, “Sixth.”

She says, “Oh, that’s the sperm bank!”

He nods and says, “Right! And it’s worth $60.00!”

A couple of weeks later, the same two meet in the elevator again. The guy says, “Third floor again?”

The gal, with her mouth tightly closed, and cheeks puffed out, vigorously shakes her head and holds up 6 fingers.

15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.

14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.

13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.

12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time

11. Can’t enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, “Look Ma! It’s Elvis!”

10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it’s impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.

9. After 100 years of trying, still can’t score with Elvira.

8. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.

7. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.

6. No warm blood for miles around DC.

5. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein and Ray-Ban photo shoots.

4. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.

3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized “hardbodies.”

2. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.

And the Number 1 Complaint of Modern Day Vampires…

1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards all the time.

Little Johnny is extemely curious about the difference between a pussy and a cunt, so he confronts his dad for the answers.

“Dad, what’s the difference between a pussy and a cunt?”, asks curious little Johnny.

Little Johnny’s dad knowingly anticipated that one day he’ll be queried about the ‘birds and the bees’ tells little Johnny, “Follow me son and I’ll show you”.

Little Johnny’s dad takes him upstairs to the bedroom where little Johnny’s mom is sleeping. The father lifts up the blanket and says:

“You see that little Johnny, now that’s a pussy” his father whispers.

With great amazement, excitement, and joy, little Johnny says, “WOW!!, that’s beautiful dad. Can I pat it, can I stroke it?”.

His father replies, “No little Johnny. It’s best if you don’t because you might wake the cunt up”.

How do you get rid of constipation ?

Sit on a block of cheese and eat a mouse.

Fred meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, she still lived with her parents, but they were out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.

They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom,
and when Fred walks in the door he notices all these fluffy
toys. There’s hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the
wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill,
there’s more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over
the bed.

Later after they’ve had sex, Fred turns to her and asks, “So… how was I?”

She says, “Well … you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”

There was a cop who saw a speeding red Corvette driving down the road. So, as his job required, he pulled the car over. There was a hot 5′7″ blonde in the car.

The officer asked her, “Ma’am, can I see your driver’s license?” To this the woman woman replies, “What’s that?” The cop told her it was a thing you normally find in you pocketbook. The blonde found it and said, “Here ya go.”

Then the cop asked to see her registration. The blonde once again asked, “What’s that?” The cop told her you normally find it in the glove compartment of the car. The blonde found it and said, “Here ya go.”

The cop took the info to his car and radioed it in. The man on the radio asked him if it was a tall sexy blonde in a red Corvette and to this he said yes. The man on the radio told the cop to go back to the car and drop his pants. So, the cop did as he was told.

He went back to the car, dropped his pants, and the blonde said in surprise, “Oh, no! Not ANOTHER breathalizer!”

A priest and a nun were enjoying a ride through the Sahara desert when halfway through the journey their camel suddenly collapsed on the sand, lifeless.

“Now, we have no choice but to walk back,” said the priest.

About two miles into their walk the nun says, “Father, it’s extremely hot out here in the desert, would you mind if I removed my habit?”

To which the preist replies, “Of course not, my child, I’m sure that God would understand under this emergency situation.”

Two more miles into their return the priest, sweating profusely, says, “I, too, need to discard my clothes as its much too hot to continue.”

As he disrobes, the nun points to his penis and asks what it is. “That, my dear, is what’s known as the Staff of Life.”

“Why then, Father, didn’t you stick it in the fucking camel? We’d be home by now!”

Did you hear what happened when the hotel caught fire?

“Some come a-running, and some run a-cumming.”