Jokes News

Two fags they walk into a barber shop.

The one fag says to the barber. “Sir how can I make hair grow on my chest?”

The barber replies, “Go home and put Vaseline on your chest real thick…”

That night the young man does as the barber told him. His partner climbs into bed and reaches over to hold him and feels the slime on his chest..he says, “What the hell is this?”

The other man replies, “The barber told me that if I put Vaseline on my chest hair would grow..”

The other fag replies, “You stupid son of a bitch, if that were the case you would have a damn pony tail hanging out of your ass.”

Q: What do you get when Bugs Bunny runs out in front of a speeding Greyhound bus?

A: It could be one of two things. Either an impacted hare, or squished Bugs.

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whiskey at a local pub. As he wandered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap. So he sat down with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young, female French tourists walked down the same path and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly.

When they came to the source of the snores, one lass said, “I’ve always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.” So she boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him with.

Her friend said, “Well, he has solved a great mystery for us! Let’s thank him for the education!” Whereupon, she took a pretty blue ribbon from her hair and gently tied it around what nature had provided to the Scotsman.

Sometime later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He walked around to the other side of the tree, raised his kilt and bewilderment filled his mind at the sight of the bright blue ribbon tied neatly in a bow.

After several moments passed, he said, “I don’t know where y’been, lad . . . but it’s nice ta’see y’won first prize!”

A man and his wife were driving through Arkansas on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decides to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up.

About 15 minutes later, he spots a Shell station and pulls over to the high octane pump. “What can I do fer ya’ll?” asks the attendant.

“Fill her up with high test,” replies the driver.

While the attendant is filling up the tank, he’s looking the car up and down. “What kinda car is dat?” he asks, “I never seen one like it befer.”

“Well,” responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, “this, my boy, is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille.”

“What all it got in it?” asks the attendant.

“Well,” says the driver, “It has everything. It has power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10-deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8-speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all–an 8.8 liter V12 engine.”

“WOW!” says the attendant, “thata be someting.”

“How much do I owe you for the gasoline?” asks the driver.

“Thata be $30.17,” says the attendant. The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are golf tees.

“What dem little wooden tings?” asks the attendant.

“That’s what I put my balls on when I drive,” says the driver.

“WOW!” says the attendant, “dem Cadillac folkies tink of everything.”

One night Clinton had ordered chicken for dinner. So, he started with a leg. Then he went to a thigh. Finally he got to the breast.

Then his chicken dinner arrived!

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I can’t dial NINE-ELEVEN in an emergency, because there’s no ELEVEN on my phone.

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

What is a free gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

Can you yell “MOVIE!” in a crowded fire station?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question….or is it?

Be nice to your kids. They will be choosing your nursing home.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

First draw the curve, then plot the data.

ILLINOIS… The Land of the Voting Dead

REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

How does the blonde try killing a fish?
by drowning it

How did the blonde try killing a worm?
by burying it alive