Jokes News

Q. What’s the difference between a blonde and a dog?

A. Well, I’m still exploring, but I haven’t found much!

A new priest saying mass for the first time was so nervous that he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor told him that he appeared nervous but that he had some advice for him. He told the new priest that he always puts a glass of vodka next to the water glass. “If I get nervous I drink from that glass” the Monsignor told the priest. The following Sunday the priest took the Monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon he got nervous and drank from the vodka glass. He began to feel more relaxed and proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass the priest found the following note on his door.

1. Sip the vodka, do not gulp it.
2. There are 10 commandments not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. David was hit by a rock and knocked off his horse, he was not stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “BIG T.”
11. When Jesus broke bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for this is my body,” not “EAT ME.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yea God!!
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

your moma is so fat when it rains she has to go inside the house so the yard can get watered.

Top 10 Questions You Should Never Ask When Being Interviewed For A Job :

1. What’s your company’s policy on severance pay?

2. How long does it take your company’s bureaucracy to get around to firing somebody for poor performance?

3. Could I get an office that’s really close to the exit?

4. Does your company’s life insurance cover suicide?

5. Who’s the ugly bitch in that picture on your desk?

6. Does your company’s insurance consider genital herpes a pre-existing condition?

7. How many sick days do you allow each employee before you stop paying them for not being here?

8. Does your insurance cover sex-change operations?

9. Does your LAN have a firewall that blocks triple-X websites?

10. How frequently do your accountants audit petty cash?

A guy walks into a bar, approaches the bartender and says: “I’ve been working on a top secret project on molecular genetics for the past five years, and I’ve just got to talk to someone about it.”

The bartender says: “Wait a minute. Before we talk about that, just answer me a few questions. When a deer defecates, why does it come out like little pellets?”

The guy didn’t know. The bartender then asks, “Why is it that when a dog poops, it lands on the ground and looks like a coiled rope?”

He again says, “I don’t have any idea.”

The bartender tells him, “You don’t know shit! And you want to talk about molecular genetics?”

Q. What does a blonde do after sex?

A. Opens the car door.

This real short girl went to the doctor one day and complained that every time it rained her crotch hurt. The doctor wanted to know how long this had been going on, and she said ever since she could remember.

The doctor told her to come back on a rainy day so he could check it out. Sure enough, the next day it rained and she went back to the doctor.

He advised her that he would have to give her a general anesthetic and examine her. She agreed and so the doctor put her under.

1 hour later she woke up and to her amazement her crotch wasn’t hurting.

She was astounded and asked the doctor what he did.

The doctor replied, “I cut 3 inches off your golashes”…..

A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked, “Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?”

Her grandson answered, “Grandma, you know how it says on TV, ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.’”

Three women were stranded on a deserted island. All of sudden a bottle washed upon the shore. One of the women picked up the bottle and rubbed it.

A genie appeared and offered the three women three wishes (one wish apiece).

The first woman wished to be 10 times smarter. The genie snapped his fingers and she became 10 times smarter. She built a raft out of wood on the island and sailed off.

The second woman wished to be 100 times smarter. The genie snapped his fingers and she became 100 times smarter. She built a yacht out of the materials she found on the island and sailed off.

The third woman wished to be 1,000 times smarter. The genie snapped his fingers and she became a man.

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clock to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing football; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him, “I need some tampons.”
6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.
7. Try on bras over the top of your clothes.
8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible, “Sex and Candy.”
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, “I think we’ve got a Code 3 in Housewares,” and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes up to 10.
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, “Hi!” I haven’t seen you in so long!…” etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself lound enough for all to hear, “Who BUYS this shit, anyway?”
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Try putting different pairs of women’s panties on your head and walk around the stores casually.
17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, “Wow! Magic!”
20. Put M&M’s on layaway.
21. Move “Caution: Wet Floor” signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you’ll only invite them if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
24. Nonchalantly “test” the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, “I’m Batman. Come, Robin–to the Batcave!”
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell “hello” upside down.
29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and ask, “Why won’t you peole just leave me alone?”
30. When two or three people are walking ahead ahead of you, run between them yelling, “Red Rover!”
31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with GI Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle describe above.
34. Set up another battlefield with GI Joes vs. GI Janes (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!).
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. While no one’s watching quickly switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the rest rooms.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission: Impossible.”
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone’s jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
41. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign in front of the store.
42. Two words” “Marco Polo”
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. “Re-alphabetize” the CD’s in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your “Madonna” look with various funnels.
46. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like “the fat man walks alone,” and scare them into believing the clothes are talking to them.
47. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very seroius convesation.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, “No, no! It’s those voices again!”
49. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you do’t get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
50. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
51. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying “Good girl, good bessie.”
52. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putting one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
53. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, then quckly make off with it without saying a word.
54. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
55. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
56. Test the fishing rods and see what you can “catch” from the other aisles.
57. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way.
58. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
59. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
60. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin, narrow aisles.
61. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
62. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
63. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
64. Say things like, “Would you be so kind as to direct me you your Twinkees?”
65. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., “Do you have any Shnerples here?”
66. Ride a display bicycle through that store; claim that you are taking it for a test drive.
67. Leave cryptic messages on the typewritters.
68. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in people’s care when they don’t realize it.