Jokes News

If the Apostles Had Been Gay:

The Last Supper would have been a brunch.

The Beatitudes would start “Fabulous are they…”

The water at Cana would not have been changed to wine, but to extra-dry Bombay Sapphire martinis with a touch of Curacao for color.

The temple would not have been cleansed…just redecorated.

Mary’s hair would have been gorgeous.

The Gospels would have been Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bruce.

Jesus would never have worn white after Labor Day.

The Sermon on the Mount would have been a musical.

A spiritualist who’d recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she’d just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

“The only thing is,” she mused, “that I don’t know where to send them.”

“Why not?” asked her friend.

“Well, he didn’t actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can’t imagine he’d be in Hell.”

“Hmmm,” responded the friend. “Well, maybe I shouldn’t bring this up, but. . . he didn’t mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?”

A man goes to his doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room, and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then, just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”

Startled to be put on so much medicine, the man stammers, “Jeez, Doc, what is the world is wrong with me?”

Doctor replies, “You’re not drinking enough water.”

Q. What’s the square root of 69?

A. 8 something

WHAT A PERFECT WOMAN WOULD SAY

1. I’ll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?

3. I’m bored. Let’s shave my pussy!

4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!

5. God..if I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I’m gonna bust!

6. I know it’s a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?

7. You’re so sexy when you’re hung over.

8. I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let’s subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Say, let’s go down to the mall so you can check out women’s asses.

12. I’ll be out painting the house.

13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday’s, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.

14. Honey..our new neighbor’s daughter is nude sunbathing again, come see!

15. I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

16. No, No, I’ll take the car to have the oil changed.

17. Your mother did a great job raising you.

18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine’s day thing and buy yourself new clubs.

19. I understand fully…our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it’s a wonderful stress reliever.

20. Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies?

21. Not the king mall again!, come on let’s go to that new strip joint!

22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don’t you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.

23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.

24. That was a great fart! Do another one!

25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya…

Q. Why do Marines where such tight collars on their uniforms?

A. To keep their foreskins from slipping up over their ears…..

there was a blonde working at a burger king and everyone made fun of how dumb she is. so one day she decided she will memorize and the state capitals. so she stood up all night memorizing them. the next day they were once again making fun of her. “oh yeah the blonde replied. “i stood up all day and remebered the state capitals. go ahead try me.” so they ask her one question. “what is the capital of Oaklahoma?” She answers, ” it’s
capital O.

There was a pickle, a cucumber, and a penis talking one day. The pickle says, “Man!! Life is tough! Everyday me or one of my friends gets cut up in weird shapes and stuck in greasy burgers and nasty sandwiches.”

The cucumber says, “You think your life’s tough!!! They grow me till I can’t grow anymore, then they slice me up, put me in a bowl with my other sliced up friends, and pour nasty dressings all over us.

The penis laughs out loud and says, “You both have it great!!!!! Every night, they stick a plastic bag on my head, shove me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups till I throw up!”

A man went to the store and asked the female cashier behind the counter, “Do you have any chocolate ice cream?” The cashier replies, “No we are out of chocolate ice cream.” So the man asks, “Can I get a gallon of chocolate ice cream?” The cashier says, “No! we are out of chocolate ice cream.” The man asks, ‘Can I get a half gallon of chocalate ice cream.” The cashier, getting frustrated, says “No! we are out of it.” The man asks, “Can I get a pint of chocolate ice cream?” So the cashier says, “Sir, can you spell the van in vanilla?” He says, “Yes! V-a-n.” The cashier says, “Can you spell the straw in strawberry?” He says, “Yes, S-t-r-a-w.” The cashier says, “Can you spell the fuck in chocolate?” The man thinks and says, “Hey! there is no fuck in chocolate!” The cashier says, “Right! That’s what I been trying to tell you! There is no fuckin chocolate!”

One day Pinnochio came to Gepetto with a problem. He said, “Thanks a lot Gepetto for making me and everything, but I need advice. Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. How can I stop this?”

“Well” said Gepetto, “Have you tried sandpaper?”

“That’s a good idea,” and so Pinnochio left. A couple of weeks later Gepetto questioned Pinnochio, “How is the problem going with your girlfriend?”

“Girlfriend?” said Pinnochio, “Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?”