Jokes News

A train carrying circus animals de-rails beside a farm. This zebra gets off and goes to the farm. The zebra sees a chicken the zebra says to the chicken, “What do you do here?”

The chicken says, “I walk around this cage and lay eggs.”

The zebra exclaims, “You are telling me that you walk around and lay eggs while I risk my life in the African desert? You make me sick!”

Then the zebra goes up to a bull and says, “What do you do here?”

The bull says, “Take off those silly pajamas and I’ll show you what I do!”

“You’re in remarkable shape for a man your age,” said the doctor to the ninety-year-old man after his examination.

“I know it,” said the old gentleman. “I’ve really got only one complaint–my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?”

The doctor’s mouth dropped open! “Your what?!” he gasped.

“My sex drive,” said the old man. “It’s too high, and I’d like to have you lower it if you can.”

“Lower it?!” exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what he was hearing. “Just what do you consider ‘high’?”

“These days it seems like it’s all in my head, Doc,” said the old man, “and I’d like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can.”

As they left the auditorium after a two-hour lecture on nineteenth-century English poets, the wife exclaimed, “Didn’t it make your mind soar?”

“Yes,” her husband agreed grimly, “and my backside, too!”

What did Bill Clinton do when Monica Lewinsky gave him a
Viagra tablet?

He gave her the 3 thumbs up.

Q: What’s the difference between frustration and utter frustration?

A: Frustration is the first time you can’t do it the second time.

Utter frustration is the second time you can’t do it the first time.

The smallest cemetery in the world?

A pussy. It only takes one stiff at a time.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off
your lazy butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp.
If you don’t, you’re insensitive.

If you thump her, it’s wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it’s self defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re a pervert.
If you don’t, you’re gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist.
If you don’t, you’re unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain.
If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If she has a headache, she’s tired.
If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you’re over sexed.
If you don’t, there must be someone else.

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice would win the money.

Many people had tried over time…(weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said “Okay,” and grabbed a lemon
which he squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter to what?”

The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

Q: What do you call Magic Johnson in a wheelchair?

A: Rolaids

He offered his honor,
She honored his offer,
And all that night,
He was honor and offer.

Oh, Bob, let’s not park here.
Oh, Bob, let’s not park.
Oh, Bob, let’s not.
Oh, Bob, let’s.
Oh, Bob.
Oh!