Jokes News

If two rednecks get divorced, are they still cousins?

Just a word of advice to online folks who frequent the chatrooms and gamerooms. This is not only “funny” but really happened:

I wanted to say, “GOOD FOR YOU!” to a person in an online gameroom, after she defeated me. (I’m a great loser, because I lose so often.)

I typed the following: “GFY!”

Try to imagine my embarrassment when my opponent very angrily pointed out to me that “GFY!” could be interpreted as, “GO FUCK YOURSELF!”

Benny had told all his friends about the delicious steak he’d eaten in the Delancey Street restaurant the day before. So they decided to go down there and see if it was really as large and delicious as he said. But, much to their disappointment, the waiter brought them the tiniest steak they’d ever seen.

“See here, my good man,” Benny barked. “I was in this restaurant yesterday, and you served me a big, juicy steak, and now today, when I’ve organized a party and highly recommended this place, you serve such a small one.”

“Yes, sir,” replied the waiter. “But yesterday you were sitting by the window.”

Three Texans cross the border into Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in a Mexican jail. They are told that they are to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first guy is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, “I am a graduate student from the Baylor School of Divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent.” They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they assume God does not want this guy to die, and they let him go.

The second guy is strapped in and is asked for his last words. “I am a graduate student at the University of Texas School of Law and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to protect the innocent.” The switch is thrown, and again nothing happens. Believing that Justice has intervened, they release him.

The last guy is strapped in and is asked his last words. “I am a graduate student in Electrical Engineering at Texas A&M, and I’ll tell you right now you’ll never electrocute anybody if you don’t replace that burnt fuse.”

A Chinese couple were delighted when Mrs. Wong gave birth to their first son until they saw him. He was black.

They named him Sum Ting Wong.

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola, and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old.

The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on
down the road.

“I can’t stand this,” said the man, tossing the can into a trash container and headed down the road toward the men.

“Hold it, hold it,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”

“Well, we work for the government,” one of the men said.

“But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the taxpayers’ money?”

“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us: me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back.

Now just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean that Mike and me can’t work.”

A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old, and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction! Within a week, you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. “Didn’t my advice work for you?” asked the doctor.

“It worked, all right. For the past several weeks, I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments of my life with the most fabulous-looking women.

“So, what your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied, “but my wife does.”

1.Yo mammas so fat, she went out of the house wearing highheels and came back wearing flip flops!
2. Yo mammas so ugly, last time she heard a whistle was when she was hit by the train.
3.Yo mammas so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lay face down!
4.Yo mamma is so stupid she sent me a fax with a stamp on it!
5. Yo mammas so stupid she failed a survey!
6.Yo mammas so stupid she was hit by a parked car!
7.Yo mammas is so bad at singing, she D.J.’s for the icecream truck!
8.Yo mammas so short, you can see her feet on her driver’s license.
9.Yo mammas so old her birth certificate says expired!
10.Yo mamma’s so short, when it rains she’s the last one to get wet!

A rich miser was asked by a priest for a donation to the local parish and was refused.

The priest sighed and said, “Come to the window, Mr. Smith. Look out and tell me what you see.”

The miser looked and said, “People, what else?”

“Now come to this mirror, and look in, and tell me what you see.”

“Myself, what else?”

“There you are. The window is glass, the mirror is glass, but the mirror has a thin layer of silver on it. As soon as a little silver is added, you no longer see other people, you see only yourself.”

The miser gave a donation.

One day, a father and son were walking along the beach when they came across a dead seagull lying on its back.

Curiously, the son asked, “Daddy, what’s wrong with the bird?”

“There comes a time in your life when you die,” said the father.

“Where do you go when you die?” said the son.

“Up to heaven,” said the father.

“What happens in heaven?” said the son.

“God invites you into his kingdom,” said the father.

“Then, why did God throw this one back?” said the son.