Jokes News

Hillary and Chelsea Clinton were having a woman to woman talk:

Hillary: I know you’re 18, a young adult, going to college and living on your own Chelsea. But I must ask you: Are you having sex?

Chelsea: Not according to dad!

One day sardaji went for an interview. The interviewer gave him an application form and asked him to fill it out. He started printing his First Name, Last Name, Street Address etc.

When he encountered the question Salary Expected, he was thinking for very long time, before he finally wrote “YES”.

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks her what she’s doing and she replies, “I went to the doctor today and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old.”

“Oh yeah?” the husband says, “What did he say about your 50 year old ass?”

“Frankly dear, your name didn’t come up in the conversation.”

What is the difference between a slut and a bitch?

A slut will fuck everyone. A bitch will fuck everyone but you.

Once there was an Eskimo who had a snowmobile. He LOVED his snowmobile and rode it everywhere he went. One day his snowmobile wouldn’t start. He took it to the snowmobile repair shop and told the repairman of his problem. The repairman began to look for the problem. As he was looking at the engine, he said to the Eskimo, “Oh, it looks like you’ve blown a seal.” The Eskimo, wiping his mouth nervously, replied, “Oh, no, that’s just snow…”

This guy was in a place where monks live and he heard the monks talking about some secret. When he went to ask what the secret was one monk replied, “I cant tell you, you’re not a monk.”

So about a year later the man comes back as a monk and asks, “What’s the secret?”

The monk replies, “It’s through that door.”

So the man tries to open it but it’s locked, so he gets the key and opens the door. And there’s another door, so he goes back through the door and gets the key, goes through the 2 doors and finds another door. So he goes back through the 2 doors and gets the key, goes through the 3 doors. This time he finds a hole in the ceiling. So he goes back through the 3 doors and gets a ladder, goes through the 3 doors and up the ladder. and he finds another door. So he goes down the ladder through the 3 doors and gets the key, then through the 3 doors, up the ladder, through the door. Again he finds a door. So he goes through the door, down the ladder, through the 3 doors, and gets the key. Then back through the 3 doors, up the ladder, through the 2 doors, and found a hole in the floor. So he goes back through the 2 doors, down the ladder, through the 3 doors, and gets a rope. Again he goes through the 3 doors, up the ladder, through the 2 doors, down the rope, and he finds another door. So he goes up the rope, through the 2 doors, down the ladder, through the 3 doors, and gets the key. Then he goes through the 3 doors, up the ladder, through the 2 doors, down the rope, and through the door. Guess what he finds?

CAN’T TELL YA, YOU’RE NOT A MONK!!!

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy…Where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2.The Pillsbury Dough Boy is way too happy…considering that he doesn’t have a dick!!

3.People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the damn tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change it manually!!

4. When people say… “Oh,you just want to have your cake and eat it too”…Fuck off!!!! What good is a damn piece of cake if you can’t eat it?

5. When people say…”It’s always the last place you look”…No shit. Why the fuck would you keep looking for it after you have already found it!?! Do people do this? Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie…”Did you see that?” … No dick…I paid $7.50 to come to a theater and stare at the fucking ceiling. What did you come here for?

7.The radio ad…”Hi…I’m Stevie Wonder…Don’t drink and drive. I don’t!”…I hope you don’t drive sober either, Stevie…You’re blind!

8. People who ask…”Can I ask you a question?”…Didn’t really give me a choice there did ya buddy?

9. When something is “new and improved” which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If its improved, then there must have been something before it.

10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks you if you know how fast you were going. You should know asshole…You’re the one that fucking pulled me over.

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.

Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, “John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?” A ghostly voice answered her, “Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you.” Martha tearfully asked, “Oh John, what is it like where you are?”

“It’s beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.”

“What do you do all day?” asked Martha. “Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there’s nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.”

Martha was somewhat taken aback. “Is that what heaven really is like?”

“Heaven? I’m not in heaven, Martha.” “Well, then, where are you?”

“I’m a rabbit in Arizona.”

Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

A: You run like hell because you know she has a grenade in her teeth!