Jokes News

Mother: “Soooo… you want to become my son-in-law.”

Suitor: “No, but I don’t see any other way to marry your daughter.”

A married couple discussing dinner plans for their relatives from New England agree that she would prepare a traditional New England Duck. The following day the wife visits the local butcher and inquires as to the availability of a authentic New England Duck. Hank, the butcher, finds his way to the fowl and returns shortly, handing the specimen to the customer for inspection. She examines the markings, flips the bird upside down, runs her finger up its rear and remarks, “This is a Missouri Duck, and not acceptable, get me a New England Duck”.

Hank returns to the storage area and comes back with a second bird, and in which case, the lady conducts the same procedure, and in a impatient tone says,”This is a Oaklahoma Duck, now get the real thing!”

Hank, just a bit intimidated, returns with the third selection, and upon completion of the previous procedure, the woman, in a very scornful and threatening voice shouts, “This is a Colorado Duck, and I doubt that you know anything about fowl, where in the hell are you from?”

Hank calmly drops his trousers and shorts, bends over and replies, “You tell me lady, you’re the expert.”

Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away –ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away — ka-blooey! Then a car passed, going 90 mph — bulls-eye!

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football, and the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history!!

The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of football, and when Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call him mother. “Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl.”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son.”

“I don’t understand, Mother!” the young man pleads. “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”

“No, let me tell you,” the mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week, your sister was raped in broad daylight.”

The old lady pauses and then tearfully says. “…I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.”

A man, visiting a small town located by a railway track, was amazed at the high birth rate there.

“A train goes past the town at 4:30 a.m.,” a local barber explained.

“What’s that got to do with it?” asked the man.

“Well, at that time, it’s too early to get up, but too late to go back to sleep.”

A woman goes into a discount store and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she has bought the day before because it doesn’t work. The clerk tells her that he can’t give her a refund because she has bought it on special. The woman insists she is entitled to a refund. The clerk, not knowing what to do, goes to get the store manager.

The manager comes up to the woman and asks if he can help her. She explains that she wants a refund because the toaster she has bought doesn’t work. He replies by telling her that he can’t give her a refund because she has bought it on special. They argue over the issue and cause quite a scene.

All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”

Embarrassed, the store manager says to her, “Why are you saying that?”

The woman replies, “Because I like to have my breasts grabbed when I’m getting screwed!”

Three guys are arguing about whose wife is more stupid.

First guy says: “My wife, she just went and brought a $10,000 dress and she 8 sizes too big for it.”

Second guy says: “Well, my wife, she just went and bought a Ferrari and she can’t drive.”

Third guy says: “Well, my wife she so stupid that she just went to Hawaii with a bag full of condoms…and I’m not going with her!!”

A man walks into a bar and orders a Triple Vodka. The bartender says, “you musta had a bad day.” The man says, “yeah, I just found out my younger brother is gay.”

The man walks into the bar the next day and orders a Triple Vodka again. The bartender says, “Wow, another bad day.” The man says, “Yeah, I just found out my older brother is gay!”

The same man walks into the bar and orders another Triple Vodka. The bartender says, “Damn, does anybody in your family like women?” The man replies, “Yeah, my wife.”