Jokes News

Q: What is the definition of eternity?

A: 4 blondes at a 4-way stop.

There was a man selling a horse, and beside that there was a bench.

One day there were 2 girls sitting on the bench and the man said, “Do you want to buy my horse? He’s a very good horse but he don’t look so good,” the girls refused to buy the horse.

A few days later a boy was sitting on the bench and he said, “Do you want to buy my horse? He’s a very good horse, but he don’t look so good.” At first the boy declined, but the man made him a very good offer, so he bought the horse.

The boy went for a ride on his new horse. He said, “Wow, this horse is good! I must be going 100 miles per hour!” The high-speed ride continued until both horse and boy crashed into a wall.

He went to the man who sold the horse to him and said very angrily, “I want a refund! I banged into a wall going 100 miles per hour! I could’ve been killed!”

The man said, “I warned you. I said he’s a very good horse but he don’t look so good.”

The new hooker had just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. She said, “Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine.”

“Well? What did he want to do?” they all asked.

She said, “I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blow job would be $75, but he did not have that much either. Finally I said, ‘Well how much do you have?’ The marine said he only had $25. So, I told him, ‘For $25, all I can give you is a hand job.’ He agreed and after getting the finances straight, he pulled it out. I put one hand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one.”

She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continues, “Then I put the first hand above the second hand…”

“Oh my God!” they all exclaimed, “it must have been huge! Then what did you do?”

“I loaned him $75!”

Q. What does a blonde say after sex?
A. You guys all play for the same team?

Q. Why do blondes wear panties?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What do you call a brunette in between 2 blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Father: “When you go back to your Mom’s tonight, give her this envelope. Tell her that since you are now 18 this is the LAST check she’ll ever see from me for child support. Then, stand back and watch the expression on her face.”

Daughter: “OK.”

Later….

Daughter: “Mom, Dad asked me to give you this envelope. He said to tell you that since I’m now 18 this is the LAST child support payment he’ll ever have to make to you. Now I’m supposed to stand back and watch the expression on your face.”

Mother: “Next time you visit your father tell him that after 18 years I have decided to inform him that he’s not your father. Then, stand back and watch the expression on HIS face.

A ventriloquist was driving through the country one day when his car broke down. He walked for a few miles and ended up at a farm. The farmer was very helpful, and called AAA.

While the ventriloquist was waiting for AAA, he decided to have a little fun.

“Nice horses”, he said to the farmer, “Can I talk to them?”

The farmer said, “You city slicker! Them horses don’t talk!”.

The ventriloquist said, “Let me try anyway. Hi horses! How does farmer Bob treat you?”

He then threw his voice, making it seem like a horse was speaking, “Oh, farmer Bob is real nice, he gives us hay, and he rides us. We like farmer Bob”.

Well, farmer Bob was amazed! Talkin’ critters! Wow!

The ventriloquist said, “Let me try talking to your cows.”

“Oh, them cows won’t talk”

“Let me give it a shot”, said the ventriloquist, “Hi cows, farmer Bob is quite a guy, huh?”.

The cows seemed to reply, “Oh, we like farmer Bob. He lets us eat grass, and he milks us every day”.

Farmer Bob was flabbergasted! Them cows talk, too!

Then the ventriloquist asked, “Can I talk to your sheep?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t do that!”, said farmer Bob, now panicking, “Them sheeps is all liars, every last one of ‘em!”

Why are English people more civilized than Americans?

Because they only have to get down on ONE knee when they meet the leader of their country.

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For heaven’s sake, Jimmy, either come in or stay out!’”

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: Why don’t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again. Then maybe it’ll work!?”

A wounded Marine limps into the bar and tells the bartender, “Give me a gin & tonic, a scotch & soda, a rum & coke and a Heineken.”

The bartender looks a bit puzzled but, nonetheless, serves him his order.

The Marine downs all four drinks, pays his tab and leaves.

This goes on for a full week when the Marine enters again and orders up the usual. The bartender finally speaks up and says, “My God, man, I’ve seen people drink before, but never like you. I might think you have a bit of a drining problem, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Not at all,” says the Marine. “You see, my three buddies and I were in a foxhole in the war together and were almost blown to shreds. We all nearly died, yet somehow barely survived. From that time on we vowed that, as long as we are on the face of this earth, each day we would have a drink in memory of each other.”

“That’s quite a bond you guys formed,” states the bartender as he serves up his usual four drinks.

A month later, after having never missed a day of imbibing, the Marine saunters into the bar and says to the bartender, “Better make it a gin & tonic, a scotch & soda, and a Heineken today.”

“Oh no,” says the bartender. “Don’t tell me one of your buddies passed away.”

“No, not at all,” answered the Marine. “I decided to go on the wagon.”