Jokes News

Why aren’t women astronauts?

Can you just imagine six women in the same room all wearing the same outfit?

What is the definition of mixed emotions?

When your mother-in-law drives your brand new Porsche off a cliff.

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night.

The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I will heal you.”

The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his other hand on his groin.

With a frown his wife says, Ernest, he’s talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead.”

Question: What’s the difference between running over a dog, and running over Hanson?

Answer: You will stop before running over the dog!

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding
anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of
champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the
husband turns to his wife and asks, “Tell me truthfully,
have you ever been unfaithful to me?”

“Well,” she replied, “since you ask, to tell you the truth I
have been unfaithful on three occasions.”

“What? How could you?”

“Let me tell you about it,” she said. “The first time was
back when we were first married. You needed open heart
surgery and we didn’t have the money, so I went to bed
with the surgeon and got him to operate for free.”

“Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I
should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second
time?”

“Do you remember that VP of Sales promotion you
desperately wanted, and they were going to pass you
over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the
President and he gave you the job.”

“Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then
again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about
the third time?”

“Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to
become president of the Golf Club, and you were missing
53 votes…”

Q: Why wasn’t Jesus born in the White House?

A: They couldn’t find three wise men, or a virgin.

There was a Rabbi that would always ride his bike. One day a priest noticed that the Rabbi wasn’t on his bike. So the priest stopped him and asked, “Where’s your bike? You are always riding it.”

The Rabbi said, “I had it yesterday and I think someone stole it.”

The priest said, “The next time you preach say the 10 commandments. Then when you get on I shall not steal the robber is bound to come out.”

So a week went by and the priest was walking down the street and he saw the rabbi on his bike. The priest stopped and said, “I guess my idea worked for you.”

The Rabbi said, “Not like you would have thought.”

The priest said, “What do you mean?”

The rabbi said, “Well, when I got to ‘Thou shall not commit adultery’ I remembered where I left my bike.”

You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If…

You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a can of Bud.

At least one wing of your X-Wing Fighter is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

Any of your female relatives has more chin hair than Yoda.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force while fishing and/or bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son–come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a Confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

Your light saber handle is covered in duct tape.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Wild Turkey during the cantina scene.

If you hear, “Luke, I am your father…and your uncle.”