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50 Ways to Kill Bin Ladin
(As sung by “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” with apologies to Paul Simon)

The problem is all inside his head it seems to me;
The answer is easy if you strike him methodically.
We need to get him in our struggle to be free;
There must be 50 ways to get Bin Ladin.

Bush said “It’s really not my habit to use nukes.
Except now, I’m really pissed off at those Islamic nut-head pukes!
But I’ll repeat myself, so that we are not rebuked.
There will be 50 ways to get Bin Ladin;

50 ways to kill Bin Ladin

Just shoot off his pr*ck, Dick
Nuke Taliban, Stan
You don’t need to be nice, Rice
Just keep U.S. free

Or chop off his head, Fred
You don’t need to recon, Don
Just drop off the Bomb, Tom
And keep ourselves free

Ooh, mow down his shack, Jack
Nuke the Afgan, Stan
You don’t need to be hush, Rush
Just yell it with me:

“Smoke out his gorge, George!”
You don’t need no détente, Monte
Just chew off his ‘nads, Brad
And keep yourself free.

Blair said “It grieves me so to see you in such pain,
I know there is something I could do to make you smile again.”
Bush said “Well I appreciate that,
but let me please explain about the 50 ways…”

He said “Why don’t we now just deploy ships tonight?
And I believe in the morning we’ll begin to start the fight.”
And then he told him that “they’ll realize our never ceasing might”.
There must be 50 ways to get bin Ladin
50 ways to kill bin Ladin

Just light up his tush, Bush
Strafe Taliban, Stan
Don’t cry and be sad, Dan
We’ll keep U.S. free!

Or you chop off his head, Ted
Don’t need to destruct much;
Just lop off his towel, Powel
And keep ourselves free!

Send in the Seals, Neal
Join Uncle Sam, Stan;
We’ll make you eat scuds, Bud!
Can’t terrorize me!

Penta-ain’t-gon, Ron
You don’t need to distress, Jess
Just rebuild WTC, Lee
And stay, U.S., free
Can’t tread upon me.

Lyrics by Bill Greene, Denver, CO 9/18/01

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads: SISTERS OF MERCY -HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES.

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:
SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.

When he drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?”
He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.”

“Very well, my son. Please follow me.” He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.
The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, “Please knock on this door”.

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup.

This nun instructs, “Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.” He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

The young blonde American girl, on her very first trip to Paris, decided to test the French male’s fabled expertise in the art of love-making. On her first date, she asked him what exactly he intended to do with her.

“First,” he replied, “I weel remove ze dress. Zen, I will carry you to ze bed. And zen,” he added triumphantly, “I will kiss ze navel.”

“Big deal!!!” the blonde said. “I’ve had my navel kissed hundreds of times before.”

“Ahhhhh, but of course,” shrugged the Frenchman. “But….from ze inside?”

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.”

“Try heaven,” said the caddy. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”

Two men were out hunting one day,when one man says to the other i’ve gotta shit. His friend tells him to make sure he goes downwind so he won’t scare the deer.

After the first man had been gone for about twenty minutes a huge deer comes walking up and the remaining man shoots it. When hisfriend didn’t yell out to ask if he killed it , he deciced he should search for the man. Thinking his buddy may have fallen and hurt himself he set off in the direction the first man had taken. To his surprise he topped the hill to see his friend leaned against a tree with his pants around his ankles sound asleep.

He decides he will play a joke on his buddy so he guts the deer, and piles the entrails under his friend.

Later that night his friend makes it back to camp and exclaims “You won’t beleive what happened to me”.

“What?”

“well I was taking a dump and I fell asleep when I woke up Ihad shit out my innards!!”

“What did you do ?” asked his friend expecting a very humorous response.

“Well BY the grace of GOD and these two fingers I got “em all back in!”

Q. Why did God give women PMS?

A. Because they deserve it!

A true story . . . .

When Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind” statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.”

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people have questioned him as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant.

A few months ago, (July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong.

This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbor’s bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick it up, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. “Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when
the kid next door walks on the moon!”

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor pulled the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. He will surely die if you don’t do the following:
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don’t discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse.
“And most importantly, make love to your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

“You’re going to die,” she replied.