Jokes News

An healthy and shy man, 70 years old, at the doctor’s office.

- “Hey doc… I don’t know how it is possible… I’m very anxious about… but, I’m… a little ashamed… Many of my same aged friends are saying they have intercourse six times a week.”

- “What’s the problem? Tell them the same thing!!”

A man’s boat was caught in a storm and was completely demolished. He did manage to find one piece of wood that could carry him to the shore in the far distance. As he floated, he spotted another person bobbing along. As he came nearer, he could tell that it was Cindy Crawford! She wasn’t breathing, so the man gave her CPR, which successfully revived her. They made it to shore. It was a deserted island. He nursed her back to health and after 4 months, she began to fall in love with him.(leading to sex) After a few weeks, she noticed that her lover was very depressed. She asked him what she could do to make him feel better. He said, “Will you put my hat on your head?” She agreed. Then, he asked her to put his pants on , his shirt, and to draw a mustache on her face. She agreed. Then, he told her to walk around the island and he would meet her in the middle. She agreed and turned to begin her journey. He walked the other way. Finally when they met up, he screamed, “Dude, you won’t believe who I’m sleeping with!”

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess — why can’t it get us out?

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just stand there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn’t get worse every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.

I don’t mind going nowhere as long as it’s an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain’t broke, fix it till it is.

I don’t get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever! So far, so good!

Not afraid of heights — afraid of widths.

Practice safe eating — always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually, you find a hair stylist you like.

You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes, age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing!!

Dear Lord:

So far today, I am doing alright. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or self indulgent. I have not whined, bitched, cursed, or eaten any chocolate. I have not charged on my credit card.

However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes and I will need a lot more help after that.

There are three prostitutes sitting at a bar discussing the size of their hole. The first one says, “I can get a whole fist up mine!”

The second says, “That’s nothing! I can get two fists up mine!”

The third one just slides down the bar stool!

When Arnold Schwartzenegger was a young boy living in Austria, he and his friends used to enjoy a game in which they pretended they were composers (being that Austria was known for having produced some great composers in its time).

One day they were playing their usual game and the first boy yelled out, “I want to be Mozart!”.

Immediately the second boy chimed in saying, “I want to be Chopin!”.

Lastly was Arnold who was quoted as saying, “Then I’ll be Bach!”

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there’s any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he’s in luck, there’s a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, “What the Hell did you put on this pizza?” The delivery man bows deeply and says, “We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only.”

Q:How do Scotsman find sheep in tall grass?

A:Very pleasant.

A man walks into a diner and sits down. The waitress comes over and hands him a menu. He hands it back and says “I already know what I want, I want a B.L.T.N.T.”

The waitress looks at him with a confused look and says,”I know what a B.L.T. is but what does N.T. mean?

The man replys, “Bacon, lettuce, and tomato not toasted.”

So the waitress goes and gets his sandwich. After he eats it, she comes over and asks, “How was your lunch?”

The man replys, “S.O.B.”

The waitress is insulted, she says, “What do mean S.O.B.?”

The man says, “Soggy on bottom!”

The waitress says, “Well, S.H.I.T.”

The man is getting mad because of the way the waitress answered him. He says, “What do you mean by talking to your customers like that?”

The waitress calmly replys, “S.H.I.T., shoulda had it toasted!”