Jokes News

Talk about huge breasts!
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist!
It’s Cool Whip time.
If I don’t undo my pants I’ll burst.
Whew, that’s a terrific spread
I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
Are you ready for seconds yet?
It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, you’ll get some.
Don’t play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open & stuff it in.
Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
I didn’t expect everyone to come at once.
You still have a little bit on your chin.
Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it.
How long will it take after you put it in?
You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all that.
How many are coming?
That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen.
Just lay back and take it easy…I’ll do the rest
How long do I beat it before it’s ready?

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it, but couldn’t–the cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

“What happened?” asked Hillary.

“Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

“My God, what did you tell them?” asked Hillary.

The driver replied, “I just said, I’m Hillary Clinton’s driver, and I just killed the cow.”

A young Indian boy asks the Indian chief,”Grandfather why do all of us Indians have strange names?”

He replies,”Well son in the dawn of the day into which the young were born, the indian brave will leave his teepee.

The first thing he see’s will be the name of his young.”
“Like your sister, Running Deer, the first thing your father saw was a running deer and,your brother Flying Eagle, the first thing your father saw was a flying eagle.

Now do you understand me Two Dogs Fucking?”

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together, as a team?”

The little boy nodded, yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”

Again, the little boy nodded.

“Good,” said the coach.

“Now, go over there and explain it to your mother.”

A doe stumbled out of the woods completely disheveled and said, “That is the last time I do that again for 5 bucks!”

Four work buddies were out golfing
at the 11th hole one of them says, “Play on … I have to go to the bathroom”, so they play on and get to talking about their sons.

The first guy says, “I am really proud of my son. He is doing so well, he bought his friend a new car.”

The second man boasts, “My son is doing so well that he just bought his friend a 24′ boat.”

The third guy says “Well, my son is so well off that he just bought his friend a new house with a pool.”

Finally, the buddy that went to the bathroom gets back and asks, “What were you guys talking about?”

They all reply that they were talking about their sons. The man looks at the ground and shakes his head.

The others ask what’s wrong. He replies “Well my son is gay. I’m not thrilled with it, but he is doing well. His last three boyfriends bought him a car, a boat and a house.”

A preacher was passing a farmer’s house on an afternoon walk. He noticed the farmer was digging a rather large hole.

The preacher asked what the farmer was doing, to which the farmer replied “One of m’ critters died last night and I gotta bury ‘im.”

The preacher asked “Which one?” The farmer answered, “My burro.”

The preacher stated, “You know, according to The Good Book, that critter is an ass.” The farmer nodded and continued his chore.

A few hours later a couple of locals passed by and saw the farmer still at work. They asked the farmer, “What are you digging, a fox hole?” The farmer answered, “Not according to the preacher.”

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of the yonder tree,” sighed the pheasant, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The pheasant pecked at a lump of do-do and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more do-do, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after the fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Where upon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren’t too difficult.

Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.

The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife’s bedroom door.

Husband: Guess who?”

Wife: “I know who it is!”

Husband: “Guess what I want?”

Wife: “I know what you want!”

Husband: “Guess what I’m knocking with?”

You Might Be a Computer Geek If…

You may have heard of Jeff Foxworthy’s humorous dialogue about rednecks, well, this is a twist on his style of humor.

You might be a computer geek, by Jeff Foxqwerty.

You might be a computer geek:

1 If you have 20/20 vision, and still can’t C…

2 If You buy a car and ask what version it is instead of model…

3 If the biggest purchase of your life happens at least once a month…

4 If you spent more on your computer than your wife’s engagement ring…

5 If you can pronounce several Japanese words and they aren’t forms of martial arts…

6 If you finger yourself on a regular basis…

7 If your idea of a date is dinner and an AVI…

8 If your pet rock is faster than a speeding bullet…

9 If you install windows, but you’re not a carpenter…

10 If your doctor says you have a slipped disk, and you call a data recovery company…

11 If a computer you bought for 2000 dollars is now being used as a doorstop…

12 If you want a faster car, you ask the dealer for an upgrade…

13 If your criteria for a college consists of:
1. How many computers
2. Does it have full Internet
3. And what are the hours of the nearest Chinese food restaurant

14 If you have an unpronouncable computer handle, and it actually means something…

15 If you have an SVGA monitor, and a Black and White TV…

16 If you have one in every port, and you aren’t a sailor…

17 If you one day realize you did your budget in Hex…

18 If you number your reports in powers of 2…

19 If you can recognize the speed of a modem by the tones…

20 If you’ve ever met someone for the first time that you’ve known for years…

Copyright (C) 1995 ROTFLOL / Written by Jason Caminiti / jcaminit@lynx.neu.edu