Jokes News

Now that Barbie is nearing 40, we’ve created new dolls that more realistically reflect her current life-style.

1. Bifocals Barbie: Includes her own set of blended lens fashion frames in 6 wild colors. Includes neck chain and large print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie’s bellybutton and see her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead and upper lip. Complete with tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Comes with teensy tweezers and a magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. And good news on the tummy front…muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters included…then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No More Wrinkles Barbie: Erase those pesky crows-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle from Barbie’s own exclusive line of Age-Blasting Cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie: All those years as a cheerleader are finally paying off, as Barbie dusts off her old megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Complete with mini-van in robins egg blue, and a cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-Life Crisis Barbie: Time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Jason, (her personal trainer), is just what the doctor ordered…along with Prozac. They’re hopping into her new red Miata (sold separately) and heading for the Napa Valley and a Bed & Breakfast.

9. Divorced Barbie: Includes Ken’s House, Ken’s Beamer and Ken’s Chris-Craft. $199.95.

10. Single Mother Barbie: Not much time for primping these days, what with Babs’ tennis lessons and Ken Jr.s’ hockey practice, Barbie is busy planning a garage sale of Ken’s overstocked sports equipment and her own passe outfits and gear from her previous careers.

Merry Christmas, Kids

3 female potatoes are having a chat because they are all getting married in the morning.

The first potatoe says she is getting hitched to a King Edward, and the others go ‘oohhh nice. He will be loaded , and he is royal too.’

The second potatoe says, ‘well I am getting married to a Jersey Royal- we will be living in a mansion it will be dead posh’.

Then the third potatoes says she is going to gat married to Des Lynam (substitue Chick Hern for american readers).

The other two look at each other in horror and say ‘oh-on, he is a common ‘tatter!!!!

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine-years-old and the other one is four-years-old. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?” The nine-year-old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”

Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”

The nine-year-old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”

The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?”

The nine-year-old says “They’re for my four-year-old little brother.”

The cashier is surprised “Your four-year-old little brother??”

The nine-year-old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”

Q: What did one boob say to the other boob?

A: Don’t hang so low… They will think we are nuts!

Q. Why do guys like big tits and tight pussies?

A. Because most men have big mouths and small cocks!

Like a lot of husbands throughout history, Webster would sit down and try to talk to his wife. But as soon as he would start to say something, his wife said, “And what’s that supposed to mean?”

Thus, Webster’s Dictionary was born.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.

Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.

Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said the teacher.

The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.”

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.

“Sure,” said the young boy, confidently. “Means carrying a child.”