Now that Barbie is nearing 40, we’ve created new dolls that more realistically reflect her current life-style.

1. Bifocals Barbie: Includes her own set of blended lens fashion frames in 6 wild colors. Includes neck chain and large print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

2. Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie’s bellybutton and see her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead and upper lip. Complete with tiny tissues.

3. Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Comes with teensy tweezers and a magnifying mirror.

4. Flabby Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. And good news on the tummy front…muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.

5. Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters included…then slip on soft terry mules.

6. No More Wrinkles Barbie: Erase those pesky crows-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle from Barbie’s own exclusive line of Age-Blasting Cosmetics.

7. Soccer Mom Barbie: All those years as a cheerleader are finally paying off, as Barbie dusts off her old megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Complete with mini-van in robins egg blue, and a cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

8. Mid-Life Crisis Barbie: Time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Jason, (her personal trainer), is just what the doctor ordered…along with Prozac. They’re hopping into her new red Miata (sold separately) and heading for the Napa Valley and a Bed & Breakfast.

9. Divorced Barbie: Includes Ken’s House, Ken’s Beamer and Ken’s Chris-Craft. $199.95.

10. Single Mother Barbie: Not much time for primping these days, what with Babs’ tennis lessons and Ken Jr.s’ hockey practice, Barbie is busy planning a garage sale of Ken’s overstocked sports equipment and her own passe outfits and gear from her previous careers.

Merry Christmas, Kids

3 female potatoes are having a chat because they are all getting married in the morning.

The first potatoe says she is getting hitched to a King Edward, and the others go ‘oohhh nice. He will be loaded , and he is royal too.’

The second potatoe says, ‘well I am getting married to a Jersey Royal- we will be living in a mansion it will be dead posh’.

Then the third potatoes says she is going to gat married to Des Lynam (substitue Chick Hern for american readers).

The other two look at each other in horror and say ‘oh-on, he is a common ‘tatter!!!!

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine-years-old and the other one is four-years-old. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?” The nine-year-old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”

Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”

The nine-year-old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”

The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister? Who are they for?”

The nine-year-old says “They’re for my four-year-old little brother.”

The cashier is surprised “Your four-year-old little brother??”

The nine-year-old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”