Jokes News

There was this young blonde away from home in a foreign country, and she wanted to call her grandmother back in the US. Because of the country’s crappy economy, the blonde had to go to a large communications center to make the call.

Upon arriving she asked a man working there how much a call to the US would cost. He responded, “The call will cost $200.”

Being low on money, the blonde questioned if there was any other way she could reach her grandma.

“Not that I know of,” replied the man.

“Are you sure?” asked the blonde, “I’ll do anything to talk to my grandma.”

“Anything?” asked the man.

“Anything,” replied the blonde.

“Ok then, maybe there is something I can do for you, follow me,” said the man with a gleam in his eye.

The man lead her into a dark room where he pulled down his pants and said, “Ok, now do what you gotta do.”

The blonde obeyed and put his dick up to her mouth and said, “Hello, Grandma?”

One day a gentleman and his wife were shopping in an antiques store when she happened across an old, sadly-tarnished mirror. He was indifferent to the pending purchase, and as the woman haggled over price with the attendant, the history of the mirror was revealed.

The attendant stated that this was a magic mirror and any wish which was cast upon it would come true. The only stipulation was that the wish must be asked in the form of a poem.

The woman was intrigued by the story and agreed upon a fair price for the mirror. She took it home and had her husband hang the mirror on the door to their bedroom.

That night after her husband was asleep, she crept over to the mirror and placed her first wish, “Mirror, mirror on my door, make by boobs size 44!”

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, “Wham!” her breasts began to grow. She then went back over to the bed and woke her husband up.

He was shocked and he had to know how this happened. His wife relayed the poetic wish to him and he was amazed at what the mirror could do.

He went to work the next day and pondered at what his wish should be. He finally had his wish in mind. He waited until that night after his wife went to sleep and made his wish, “Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor.”

And “Wham!” his legs fell off.

Three guys and a girl are stranded on a desert island.

After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she’s doing, she kills herself.

After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they’re doing, they bury her.

After another week, they’re so ashamed of what they’re doing, they dig her up again.

Why can’t a blonde pass the drivers test?

Everytime the instructor says park, she jumps in the back seat.

A guy walks in bar and notices a Naval seaman getting really drunk. He asks him, “Why the long face?” He replies that with all the terrorism, and bad leadership, that its eminent the world is ending soon.

In an effort to cheer him up, the guys says, “Well, seaman, what would you do if this was your last hour on earth?”

The seaman says, without hesitation that he would #$%& anything that moves! He then asks the guy what would he do.

And the guys says…”I’m gonna stand perfectly still!”

Q. What do you do when you look out the kitchen window and see your husband staggering in the back yard.

A. Reload!…and aim more carefully!

Artery: The study of fine paintings

Barium: What you do when C.P.R. fails

Benign: What you be after you be eight.

Cesarean Section: A district in Rome.

Colic: A sheep dog

Coma: A punctuation mark

Congenital: Friendly

Dilate: To live longer

Fester: Quicker

G. I. Series: Baseball game between soldiers

Grippe: A suitcase

Hangnail: A coat hook

Morbid: A higher offer

Nitrate: Lower than the day rate

Node: Was aware

Organic: Church musician

Outpatient: A person who fainted

Post-operative: A letter carrier

Protein: In favor of young people

Secretion: Hiding anything

Serology: Study of English Knighthood

Tablet: A small table

Urine: Opposite of you’re out

Varicose Veins: Veins very close together

A man was walking down a beautiful beach when he sees a girl with no arms and legs crying. He says to her, “Why are you crying?”

She says, “I am a 21 year old girl with no arms and no legs and I have never been kissed.”

The man, feeling bad for the girl, bends down and gives the girl the softest and most beautiful kiss. The girl was so happy.

The man feeling happy about what he did continues to walk down the beach when he hears her crying again. He says to her, “Why are you crying now?”

The girl says back to the man,” I am a 21 year old girl with no arms and no legs and I have never been screwed before.

The man bends down, picks the girl up, throws her into the ocean and says, “You’re screwed now babe!”

The Arab army placed an order for 1,000,000 condoms with an Israeli company. The order required that the condoms be 15″ long and 4″ in diameter. The Israeli company supplied the goods, but ensured that all the boxes were stamped “small”

A four year old asks his mother if God uses our
bathroom.

The mother replies, “NO,
why do you ask?”

Because every morning daddy bangs on the bathroom door shouting Oh God, are you still in there?