Jokes News

Yo mama so ugly, yo papa takes her to work so he don’t need to kiss her goodbye!

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half-past three in the morning.

“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

“Hi there!” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push??”

“No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed,” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost??”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push??”
…and he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”

And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”

A woman walks into a confession booth and says, “Forgive me Father for I have sined.”

“Whatever troubles you child?” said the Priest.

The woman answered, “Last night, my boyfriend came over and we made passionate love five times.”

The Priest thought for a moment, then replied, “Go home and suck the juice from five sour lemons.”

“Then will I be forgiven?” asked the women.

“No,” replied the Priest, “but it will take that big smile off your face.”

How do you make a dog drink?

Put one in a blender!

IT’S TIME TO TURN YOUR COMPUTER OFF & READ A BOOK WHEN:

1. You wake up at 4 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.

5. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a wordprocessor.com

7. You can’t correspond with your mother…she doesn’t have a modem.

8. When your e-mail box shows,”no new messages”, and you feel really depressed.

9. You don’t know the gender of your three closest friends because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you Landscape.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12. After reading this joke, you immediately e-mail it to a friend!!!

Jack: Hey guys, did you hear that Santa got arrested???

Gang: No, what happened???

Jack: He got caught layin’ Barbie dolls under a Christmas tree!

This virus warning is genuine.

There is a new virus going around, called “work.” If you receive any sort of “work” at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague…DO NOT OPEN IT.

This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open “work” or even look at “work” have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly.

If you do encounter “work” via email or are faced with any “work” at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words “I’ve had enough of your crap… I’m off to the pub.” The “work” should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive “work” in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the “work” to your garbage can. Put on
your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that “work” will no longer be of any relevance to you and that
“Scooby Doo” was the greatest cartoon ever.

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I’m afraid the “work” virus has already corrupted your life.