Jokes News

A near-sighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: Bill Jones, having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.

alex:When my uncle dies they will burry him face down

henry:why!

alex:so he will see where he is going

henry:I think a lot of people would go to your uncle’s funeral

alex:To make sure he is dead!

This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at St. Andrews, and finally got the chance. Going with his wife, they teed off andhe proceeded to play the best game of his life. After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par,and was on cloud nine. On the back nine, he started playing even better,even getting an Eagle on the 16th hole.

He was so excited that he ended up slicing the shot on the 17th tee,and as he walked up to it, saw that his ball was behind a small shack for the groundskeepers.

Now he started to worry that his score would go up, but his caddy came up to him and said “Sir, this may sound like a tough shot, but if you put it through that window, the ball should go through the window on the other side, and if you’re lucky, the ball will roll onto the green. The way you’ve played today, I think you can make it.”

So the guy takes a look and sees that it’s a tough shot, but possible, so he tries it. But his shot just misses the window, hit the window frame, and struck his wife right in the head, killing her instantly.

Years go by and the man can’t forget that horrible day. People he tells the story to all sympathize with him, but he just has no will to live. But then he realizes what he must do - Face his nightmare!

He travels back to Scotland and plays another round at St. Andrews,and miraculously, he is playing another stellar game. He starts to feel better about himself as the round goes on, but when he approaches the 17th hole,he gets so nervous that he slices his shot to the same damned spot.

As at his ball lying there behind the shack, his caddy says “Sir, the way you’ve been playing, why not try a trick shot. Some of the other caddies say if you can get it through that window, it will follow through the one opposite it and roll onto the green.”

The guy says “Are you out of your fuckin’ mind? The last time I tried that I double-bogied!”

Q: How does Bill Clinton practice safe sex?

A: He doesn’t light the cigar.

Five vagrants were picked up and were standing before the judge. They insisted they were not vagrants, but were merely unemployed at the moment. The judge, obviously disbelieving, said to the first alleged vagrant, “What do you do when you’re working?’

Said the first vagrant, “I’m a cork soaker, Your Honor.”

“A what?” said the judge, a little scandalized.

“I work for a bottling concern and I’m in charge of seeing that the corks are properly soaked so they will fit tightly in the bottle.”

The judge passed his hand over his face and, turning to the second, said, “And what do you do?”

“I’m a cook seeker, Your Honor. I work at an employment agency and my specialty is finding cooks for those who want them.”

“And you?” said the judge, addressing the third.

“I’m a coke sacker, Your Honor,” he said. “I put lumps of coal into sacks.”

The judge, very red in the face, turned to the fourth, who said, “I’m a sock tucker, Your Honor. I put tucks in socks before they’re put into boxes.”

Moaning softly to himself, the judge turned to the fifth and said, “And what do you do?”

And the fifth said proudly, “Your Honor, I’m the real thing.”

Q. What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?

A. The refrigerator doesn’t fart when you pull the meat out of it

Two little boys were playing in a neighbor lady’s yard when they noticed a man knock on her door and say he wanted to have a good time and asked her, how much? She told him $30.00 and let him in. A little while later he left with a big smile on his face.

This happened several more times and the little boys were getting more and more curious, so they knocked on the lady’s door and said they wanted to have a good time.

She invited them in and asked how much money they had. One boy said he had 5 cents and the other boy said he had 10 cents. She knocked their heads together and kicked them
out the door.

One boy said to the other, “Whew! I don’t think I could stand $30.00 worth of that!”

A dog walks into a bar and says,

“I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

After returning from the Far East a gentleman noticed that he had a problem with his penis. He went to his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor told him that he had a serious Hong Kong disease, and there was no known cure for the problem. To prevent any further damage to his body, the doctor recommended that the penis be amputated. Of course, this was quite a shock, and the gentleman told the doctor that he wanted to get a second opinion. His doctor advised that he do this soon as possible.

A couple of days later, he saw an ad in the paper by a Dr. Kwan Chang, a specialist in Hong Kong diseases. He went to see this doctor and after an examination, Dr. Chang confirmed that he had a serious Hong Kong disease, but said that amputation was not necessary.

Doctor Chang said, “American doctors are in too big a hurry to say, ‘Cut, cut.’ I say, you wait, it will fall off.”

A blind man was standing on a corner waiting for the traffic signal to change so he could cross the street. A stray dog comes walking up to him, hoisted his leg and urinates on the blind man’s pant leg. The blind man then reaches into a paper sack and brings out a cookie and holds it down to the dog.

Another pedestrian who was watching this says to the blind man, “Good lord, you’re not going to reward that damn dog for what he has done to you?”

The blind man replies, “Hell no, I’m just trying to fiqure out which end his head is on so I can kick his ass!!!”