Jokes News

A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for awhile and then the friend says, “My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?”

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend’s daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick-thinking kind, he says:

“Hi, Ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!”

They stare at him and say, “That can’t be!”

He replies, “OK, let’s check.”

He shouts at his friend down the stairs, “Both of them?”

“Yes, BOTH of them!”

A hippy gets on the bus and notices a nun sitting at the end of the bus. So he goes and sits near her and says, “I have to ask you a question”. The nun, ingoring the hippy, just stares at the front of the bus. The hippy says, “Do you want to have sex with me.” The nun smacks the hippy and asks the bus driver to stop the bus and let her out.

The nun leaves the bus, and a couple of seconds later the bus driver (male) goes, “Do you want to have sex with that nun?” The hippy goes, “Hell yeah”. The bus driver tells the hippy to go to the cemetery and wait for the nun to come for her nightly prayers, and then when she is there to pretend he was God and demand her to have sex with him.

The next night the hippy was at the cemetery with his God costume and waiting for the nun. After a couple more minutes the nun appeared and the hippy did his thing and demanded her to have sex with him. She did, but she asked if they could have anal sex. The hippy said no problem, and put it in, and took the mask off and laughed and said, “I’m the hippy!!!!!”.

Then the nun takes her mask off and goes, “I’m the bus driver!!!!!”

A pretty woman, carrying a stack of boxes from a shopping spree, was walking down the street when, all of a sudden, a strong gust of wind lifts her skirt.

The hillbilly standing nearby just looked and smiled. The woman snaps at him, “Well, I can see that YOU’RE no gentleman!!!”

The hillbilly says, “And I can see you ain’t one, neither!”

Chelsea asked her dad, “Do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time?’”

Bill Clinton replied, “No. Some begin with ‘After I’m elected’.”

13 signs that you have had too much of the 90’s:

1.) You tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2.) You now think of three expressos as “getting wasted.”

3.) You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4.) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

5.) You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back “What’s for dinner?”

6.) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7.) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8.) You didn’t give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9.) Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your college roommate used to play.

10.) You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

11.)You check your blow dryer to see if it’s Y2K compliant.

12.) Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

13.) You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

Why do giraffes have long necks?

Because they have smelly feet!!!

The three most amazing things about women are:

#1 They can give milk without eating grass.

#2 They can bleed for a week and not die.

#3 They can bury a bone and not get their noses dirty.

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: “This is an amazing octopus. I’ll bet anyone in this bar that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it.”

Now none of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started wailing way, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist.

Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Dizzy Gillespie. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter.

Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

“What? Can’t you play it?” asked the man. “Play it?” said the octopus, “I’m gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off.”