Jokes News

A man entered very slowly into this hooker’s room.

Looking at his slowness in walking and unbuttoning shirt, the hooker became impatient and said, “Come on hurry up, I have more business to do.”

Now for you the rate is, $10 on the floor, $20 on the couch, and $30 on the bed.

Pay the service charge first and get down to work.”

The guy opened his wallet and put thirty dollar neatly on the bed. “I see, so you want me on the bed?”

“No, on the floor, three times.”

Two friends, one an optimist and the other a pessimist, could never quite agree on any topic of discussion. One day the optimist decided he had found a good way to pull his pessimistic friend out of his continual pessimistic way of thinking.

The optimist owned a hunting dog that could walk on water. So he took the pessimist duck hunting in a boat. They got out into the middle of the lake, and the optimist shot down a duck…the dog immediately walked out across the water, retrieved the duck, and walked back to the boat.

The optimist looked at his pessimistic friend and said, “So what do you think about THAT?”

The pessimist replied, “Your old dog can’t swim a lick, can he?”

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and, with a nervous laugh, says, “Reverend, you’re a man of God. Can’t you do something about this storm?”

The minister replies, “Lady, I’m in sales, not management.”

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One day, the two were taking turns chasing each other when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Afraid he would drown, the horse whinnied for the chicken to get the farmer to help.

Off trotted the chicken, as fast as her little chicken legs would carry her, back to the farm, but the farmer was no where to be found, having driven into town on his tractor.
Trying to remain calm, the chicken found the keys inside the farmer’s new Z3-series BMW and sped off with a length of rope to rescue her friend.

Quickly reaching the bog, the chicken tossed the rope to her friend who was able to grip the rope in his teeth while the chicken wrapped the other end around the car’s bumper. Driving slowly forward, the chicken and the powerful car pulled the horse safely out of the bog.

The horse and his little friend, the hen, continued to be fast friends until one day the chicken carelessy fell into a mud pit. As she began to sink, she squawked to her friend, the horse, to help her. The horse, thinking quickly, stood over the mud pit and told the hen to grab hold of his ‘thing’. As the horse felt the chicken get a good grip, he was able to step over the mud pit and pull out his friend.

The Moral:

When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

A little boy was playing with a pile of shit, building things. The Republican comes over and says, “Hey little boy, what are you building?”

“I’m building a Democrat,” the little boy answers.

The Republican finds this totally hilarious, and calls over the nearest Democrat and dares him to ask the kid what he’s doing. The Democrat complies.

“So little boy, what are you doing?”

“I’m building a Democrat,” repeats the boy.

“And why are you building a Democrat?” queries the Democrat.

“Well, I don’t have enough shit to make a Republican.”

Q: What is the Scottish version of the Rolling Stones song “Hey You, Get Off My Cloud?”

A: “Hey McLeod, Get Off My Ewe”

There were three guys who all died. When they got to heaven, God told them that in order to get into heaven, they had to ask him a question that he could not answer. If he could answer it, he would go to Hell.

So the first guy, a doctor asked him what is the drug used to finish coronary bypass surgery? God gets the question right and the doctor goes to Hell.

The next guy, a computer programmer, asks God, what is the URL of my website? God knows it and the computer programmer goes to Hell.

Finally the third guy comes up to God and asks him for a chair and an electric drill. Baffled, God hands him the drill and a chair. The guy takes the drill and and drills seven holes in the chair. Then he sits down and farts.

Now he asks, which hole did my fart go through? God points to the third hole and the guy yells, “WRONG, it went through my asshole!!!” and he went to heaven

Priest and Nun are driving down the snowy road.

Car gets stalled, they both start walking, up ahead is a cabin.

They walk in, no one is around, but they notice one bed and one sleeping bag, & plenty of blankets.

Priest says, sister you take the bed, I’ll be on the sleeping bag, nun agrees.

A few minutes go by, sister says, “Father, I’m cold.” Priest unzips the sleeping bag, gets up and lays a blanket on her, goes back to his sleeping bag, zips up.

Once again the sister remarks, “Father, I’m still cold”.

Priest unzips, gets up and lays another blanket on her, goes back, zips up and tries to go sleep.

Again the nun remarks, “Father, I’m still very, very cold,” Priest says, “Sister, what do you say we pretend we’re married, we’re out here in the wilderness where no one can see us, and no one can hear us.” The nun agrees.

The priest then yells, “Now shut up and get your own stupid blankets!!!!”

There are many more ants than humans in the world, and they belong to numerous different species. Some of the more common are:

1. The ants you find in your kitchen the morning after you leave something sweet or greasy on the counter. These are called Brown Ants or Sugar Ants.

2. Big red and black ants found outdoors in the Southwest. These are very aggressive ants, with large pincers. They are called Fire Ants.

3. In South America you can find aggressive ants who march en mass every seven or so years, devouring every living thing in their path. They are called Army Ants.

4. In Africa and India they have huge, giant ants. They are so huge people capture them and train them to be beasts of burden, to pull up tree stumps and to knock down walls. They are also trained to carry soldiers into battle.

They are called Eleph-ants.

A lawyer and a stunning blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.” Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50!” figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it’s the blonde’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net
and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer!?” Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.