Jokes News

A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald’s. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, but his wife just sat watching him.

The young man felt sorry for them and asked “I’m sorry to intrude, but would you allow me to purchase another meal for your wife so that you don’t have to split your food?”

The old gentleman said, “Oh, no, thank you. But you see, we’ve been married a long time, and everything has always been shared, 50/50.”

The young man said, “Wow! That’s commendable.” He then turned to the wife and asked, “Aren’t you going to eat your share?”

The wife replied “Not yet. It’s his turn to use the teeth.”

Because of the recession, a serious, full-fledged downsizing was in progress at a big corporation. Everyone in the corporation had to do more with less. One day, an accountant got a mis-directed phone call for a fellow named Mr. Sexhauer. Thinking that this Sexhauer might be in another department, the accountant dialed and asked the female operator if they had a Sexhauer over there.

The operator giggled and replied, “Are you kidding, a sex hour??? We don’t even have scheduled coffee breaks any more.”

Joe asked his friend Jack to stand in front of his car and tell him if his directional blinker lights were working.

Watching ever so cautiously, Jack replied, “Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no!”

Three boys save President Bush’s life. President Bush says to them, “Boys, you can have anything your little hearts desire.” The first boy asks for a Game Boy and every game ever made for it. President Bush says, “You got, little man.” The second boy asks for a Playstation 2 and a pony. President Bush says, “You’ll have ‘em by tommorow.” The third boy asks for a wheelchair with a built-in Playstation and freezer. President Bush asks the boy, “Why do you want a wheelchair, your not crippled?” The boy answers, “No, I’m not now, but I will be once I tell my father I saved you.”

Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, “So . . . out looking for a little, huh?”

She smiled sweetly and said, “No, I had six years of THAT with you. Now, I’m out looking for a LOT!”

A guy goes into a bar and meets this girl. They have a few drinks and soon wind up at his place, in bed.

They’re having a great time. She is on top when suddenly she has an epileptic seizure — she is shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thinks this is incredible — best sex he’s ever had. He finishes, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.

He begins to get nervous and takes her to the emergency room. A nurse asks him what the girl’s problem is, and he replies…I think her orgasm is stuck!”

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside, except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the local Methodist minister saying, “Pastor, my dog just died. Could you possibly have a wee service for the poor creature?”

Pastor Patrick told the farmer, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what. There’s one of those new denominations down the road aways, and no telling what they believe in. Maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”

Muldoon said, “I’ll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”

Pastor Patrick gasped, “Why didn’t you tell me your dog was Methodist?”

One day a teacher asked her class to think of a sentence that had either the word Jew or Jewish in it.

One little girl raised her hand and after being called upon replied “Hannukah is a Jewish holiday.”

The teacher was pleased with the response and said, “Yes, that’s very good.”

A little boy in the corner raised his hand and announced “Jesus was a Jew.”

The teacher was pleased with the response and said, “Yes, that’s very good.”

Finally, little Amilia raised her hand and said in her spanish accent “I told my sister I could sing like Celine and she said ‘Jewish’”

How is a man like a snowstorm?

You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long he’ll stay.