Jokes News

Q: What do you call a deaf dog?

A: Nothing cause he can’t hear you

A small white guy went into an elevator, when he got in he noticed a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black guy looked down upon the small white guy and said, “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown.”

The small white guy fainted!!

The huge black dude picked up the little white guy and brought him to, slapping his face and shaking him. He asked the small white guy, “What’s wrong?”

Our petite friend said, “Excuse me, but what did you say?” The black giant looked down and repeated, “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”

The white guy sighed, “Oh, thank God! I thought you said, ‘Turn around!!’”

AP–The federal government today released the findings of a four year study that linked living in cages to increased potential of developing cancer in laboratory rats.

The study, which cost an estimated $17 million, was started in 1983 when all the rats in a laboratory test control group contracted cancer.

Spokesperson John Smith explained: “We were running a test on the possible link between excess popcorn intake and increased incidence of colon cancer. The test group consisted of twenty rats who were forcefed three quarts (roughly one and a half times their body weight) of popcorn daily, a perfectly reasonable amount under laboratory conditions. The control group consisted of twenty rats who lived in cages carefully shielded from all known carcinogens. To our surprise, all twenty control rats developed cancer within six months.”

Smith went on to say: “We had always had some trouble with control rats contracting cancer. But as long as more of the rats in the test group than the control group got cancer, we were able to feel pretty good about condemning whatever we were testing at the time.”

Smith was then questioned about the possibility of test results being invalid if any of the control rats developed cancer. He responded: “Yeah, we had an scientist at the lab ask that once. We had to let him go when we found out he was a member of the Audubon Society. Conflict of interest. The last thing you want in a research lab is someone asking a lot of fool questions.”

When asked if these results would change any previous findings Smith replied “This could blow our whole gig. I mean, if it’s been the cages all along, this could mean that things like asbestos, smoking, even radiation are perfectly harmless.”

“We may be forced to recall all our previous findings at a cost of billions of dollars. This says nothing of the possible lawsuits from individuals who contracted cancer while spending time in prison, or zoo workers forced to spend extended periods inside the animal’s cages.”

When asked why the study cost seventeen million dollars, Smith responded “Do you have any idea how expensive it is to provide food and living conditions for rats that doesn’t expose them to any of the things we have determined to cause cancer? In fact right now we’re in the middle of a two year study that may link breathing with lung cancer. You think the cost is bad now, just wait till we are forced to prevent the control rats From breathing so as not to invalidate the results by having more of the control rats get cancer than test rats.”

Interviewer: “Miss Lewinsky is it true that you had relations with the President?”

Monica: “Yes, I mean we not only had sex, we got it on…Wow, they don’t call him ‘Wild Bill’ for nothing.”

Interviewer: “Well how did this all come about”

Monica: “Well, we were sitting in his office and he asked me if I wanted to take a ride on the Presidential Express…But he told me not to tell Hilary ’cause she ran out of tickets a long time ago.”

President Clintons Reaction

Interviewer: President Clinton what is your reaction towards Miss Lewinsky openly admitting to having sexual relations with you?”

President: “I did not take viagra when I had sexual intercourse with Monica.”

Interviewer: “What are you trying to say President Clinton.”

President: “I mean I did not have sex with Monica, period!”

Interviewer: “Why do you continue to address Miss Lewinski as Monica?”

President: “Well, I had sex with her, I think I can…Never mind I repeat I never had sex with Monica, I mean Miss Lewinsky.”

This would have all been solved if President Dole would have been elected…But then again Viagra was invented…So you never know..

Did you hear about the ship carrying yoyos?

It sank . . . 247,000 times.

A man approaches another man and says, “Hi sir, I am a genie and I”m here to grant you three wishes, but before you ask for anything I would advice you to take your time and think about your wishes carefully. However, I do have a request.”

“Wow! this must be my lucky day. what is your request?”

“I have been in the bottle for the last 1000 years so if you dont mind can I have sex with your wife until you think of those wishes.”

“Sure man. go ahead.”

The man goes and has sex with the guys wife. This is going on for a long time. One day the guy asked the wife, “How old is your husband?” “He is 48 years old.” “And he still believes in genies?”

Yo mama is so stupid she bought a solar powered flash light.

Q:What do a mo-ped and a fat lady have in common?!?

A:They’re both fun to ride until somebody sees you.