Jokes News

Blondes, having endured years of abuse, have finally responded. Here’s what they have to say about redheads and brunettes!

********* REDHEADS *********

How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
Say something

How do you get a redhead’s mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds

If you love a Redhead, set her free … if she follows you everywhere you go, she pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she’s yours.

What’s safer: a redhead or a piranha?
The piranha. They only attack in schools.

What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
Normal.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A redhead!

How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl

How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
There’s a hammer embedded in the monitor.

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

********* BRUNETTES *********

What’s black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who’s told too many blonde jokes.

What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.

What’s the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.

Why didn’t Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo’s butt was more manageable.

Why is the brunette considered an evil color?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation.

What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage.

Who makes bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price.

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.

A lady and a friend were playing golf at a resort. The lady hits her golfball and a little while after hears a scream. She runs towards the scream and finds a man lying on the floor, holding his crutch. The woman exclaims, “oh my, I’m so sorry, please, i am a physiotherapist, let me massage it and it will feel better.” The man replies that it is fine. The women insists and sticks her hands down his pants and starts massaging. After a while, the woman asked if that felt better, and the man exclaimed”that feels great, but my thumb is still sore!”

The farmer was busy working the field when his son Johnny, came running out to tell him that a big automobile was driving up to the house.

“Johnny,” said the farmer. “Run as fast as your legs can take you and ask that man what kind of work he does…
If he says he’s a traveling minister, run down to the cellar and lock up the liquor cabinet. If he’s a law officer, lock the garage where I keep the still, and if he’s a salesman, sit on your Ma’s lap till I get there…”

A man arrives at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter reviews the Big Book to see if the man’s name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, “I’m sorry, I don’t see your name written in the Big Book.”

“How current is your copy?” asks the man.

“I get a download every ten minutes,” St. Peter replies, “Why do you ask?”

“I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type,” explains the man. “It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn’t arrived to your copy yet.”

“I’m glad to hear that,” acknowledges St. Peter, “but while we’re waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about an extraordinary deed you did during your lifetime?”

The man thinks for a moment and then says, “Well, there was this one time when I was drivin’ down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl. I slowed down to take a look, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of ‘em, torturing this poor woman.”

“What did you do next?” asked St. Peter.

Anyway, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from the trunk, and approached the leader of the gang. Sure enough, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I’d be next.”

“And, then what happened?” questioned St. Peter.

“Well, I smashed the leader over the head with the tire iron. Then, I turned to the others and yelled, “Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in pain!”

St. Peter, duly impressed, exclaims, “Wow! When did this all happen?”

“Oh, about three minutes ago.”

A hippie boards a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it’s way again, the driver says to the hippie, “I can tell you how to get that nun to have sex with you”.

The hippie says that he’d love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight, the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. “If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask, she would think you are God, and you could command her to have sex with you.”

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight, sure enough, the nun shows up. While she is in the middle of praying, the hippie jumps out from hiding and says. “I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, but first you must make love with me.”

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up, rips off the mask and shouts, “Ha, Ha, Ha! I’m the hippie!!”

Then the nun jumps up and shouts, “Ha, Ha, Ha! I’m the bus driver!!”

Q. How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?

A. Wave.

What has four legs and no ears?

Mike Tyson’s dog

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things- chickens,cows, crops, etc.

After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. “Why don’t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?” This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

“How did you enjoy that?” asked the uncle.

“It was great!” exclaimed the nephew. “Got any more dogs?”

Your mama is so old,

She sat behind Jesus in the third grade

According to tradition, the guilty cannot be hidden.

Think of the fellow who wanted to be dismissed from jury duty. He tried every excuse to no avail. On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot.

“Your Honor,” he said, ” I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man over there with those beady eyes and that twisted smile and I said to myself, ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty, guilty, guilty.’ So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury.”

“Get back in the jury box,” the judge said. “That’s the defense attorney.”