Jokes News

Why DID the chicken cross the road?

VICE PRESIDENT GORE: I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.

GOVERNOR GEORGE W. BUSH: I don’t believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road

SENATOR LIEBERMAN: I believe that every chicken has the right to worship his or her God in his or her own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in his or her own way.

SECRETARY CHENEY: Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don’t want to cross the road. They don’t need help crossing the road. In fact, I’m not interested in crossing the road myself.

RALPH NADER: Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren’t ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it - the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by “cross”? Could you define “cross” please?

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and lo, there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never seen before.

“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Mike. “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”

“Don’t worry,” Joe says. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just shout, “Aaaaauuuugggghhhh!” and fake an asthma attack.”

So that night Mike knocks at the girl’s door, and when she comes out his awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.

He’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, ‘AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!”

Lil’ Johnny’s parents were fighting. There were screaming, crying, and cussing.

Johnny’s mom called his dad a bastard.

Johnny’s dad called his mom a bitch.

Finally, they broke it up and apologized, although both of them were still a little steamed.

His dad went upstairs to the bathroom. His mom stayed in the kitchen to cook the turkey.

Lil’ Johnny went upstairs to the bathroom. His father was in there shaving. He asked his dad: “Dad, what does bitch mean?”

His dad didn’t want him to really know so he said: “It’s another word for a lady.”

Just then his father cut himself and without realizing it he said: “Shit!”

He asked his dad, “What does shit mean?”

“It means to shave.”

“Oh.”

Then Johnny went downstairs to see his mommy in the kitchen.
“Mommy, what does bastard mean?”

She didn’t want him to know so, she said… “It’s another word for a guy.”

“Ok.”

She burnt her finger by accident while handling the turkey, so without realizing it, she said: “Fuck!”

He asked his mom: “What does fuck mean?”

“It means to cook.”

“Oh.”

Just then the doorbell rang. It was his relatives there for Thanksgiving.

Little Johnny opens the door and says, “Hi bitches and bastards. My dad is in the bathroom shitting and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!”

A car was involved in an accident at a street intersection. As expected a large crowd gathered. A newspaper reporter, anxious to get his story, could not get near the car.

Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, “Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim.”

The crowd made way for him.

Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life.

By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said “Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes… Bear, you go first.”

The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said “I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female.” For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on.

The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear’s second turn for a wish. “Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well.” Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, “I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female.”

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, “I wish that the bear was gay…”

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.” Alan, age 10

“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED

“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.” Camille, age 10

“No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.” Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.” Eddie, 6

“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.” Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

“Both don’t want no more kids.”
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.” Lynnette, age 8.

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.”
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?

“When they’re rich.” Pam, age 7

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.” Curt, age 7

“The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, they you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do. Howard, 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED

“I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.”
Theodore, age 8

“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.” Anita, 9

“Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.”
Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”
Kelvin, age 8

“You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now.”
Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

“If you want to last with your man, you should wear a lot of sexy clothes, especially underwear that is red and maybe has a few diamonds on it.” Lori, age 8

“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.” Ricky, age 10

A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hear me blowing the horn? You could’ve been killed!”

The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”

Once there was a scientific experiment that included rabbits. The scientists lined the bunnies up in a line and said, “Jump back!” and they jumped back. They did this for months. They lined the rabbits up day after day and told them to jump back and they did. Now after years of government spending for funding for the program the scientists came to the final conclusion, but they had to perform just one last test.

The scientists arrived early that morning and gathered around the bunnies and after lining them up told them to jump back and they jumped back. Now they knew for sure, they had a receding HARE LINE!!!!!!!

After having their 12th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger double-wide.

The husband then went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children but they couldn’t afford a costly operation, either.

The doctor told him that there was a home procedure called a redneck vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. Where upon the client said to the doctor, “I may not be the world’s smartest man, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

With that, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician also suggested a vasectomy but was told they couldn’t afford one.

Recognizing that the couple was from Alabama, he then informed him to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5 … “, at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

A little boy had a little red wagon and he had his dog tied up to it. The boy was sitting in the wagon as the dog was pulling him very slowly.

A man walks by and says to the boy, “You know that if you tied that rope around the dog’s neck instead of his balls he would pull you around faster.”

The boy looked at the man and replied, “Yeah, but then I wouldn’t have the cool siren.”