Jokes News

* Your mama so skinny her nipples touch.

* Your Mama feet so big she went into a shoe store and asked for a size eleven box.

* Your Mama so fat when she ran away from home they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

As a sergeant in a parachute regiment, I took part in several night time exercises. Once, I was seated next to a lieutenant fresh from Jump School.

He was quiet and sad and looking a pit pale, so I struck up a conversation. “Scared, Lieutenant?” I asked.

He replied, “No, just a bit apprehensive.”

I asked, “What’s the difference?”

He replied, “That means I’m scared with a university education.”

Grammatical Uses of the Word Fuck
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word “FUCK.” It is the one magical word, which, just by it’s sound can describe Pain, Pleasure, Love and Hate. In language, “FUCK” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t give a fuck) or an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). As you can see there are very few words with the versatility of “FUCK.” Besides it’s sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:

GREETINGS————–”How the fuck are you?”
FRAUD——————”I got fucked be the car dealer.”
DISMAY—————–”Oh, fuck it!”
TROUBLE—————-”Well, I guess I’m fucked now.”
AGGRESSION————-”FUCK YOU!”
DISGUST—————-”Fuck me!”
CONFUSION————–”What the fuck…?”
DIFFICULTY————-”I don’t understand this fucking business.”
DESPAIR—————-”Fucked again!”
INCOMPETENCE———–”She fucked up everything.”
DISPLEASURE————”What the fuck is going on here?”
LOST——————-”Where the fuck are we?”
DISBELIEF————–”Unfuckingbelievable!”
RETALIATION————”Up your fucking ass!!”

It can be used in an anatomical description–”She’s a fucking bitch.
It can be used to tell time–”It’s five fucking thirty.”
It can be used in business–”How did I wind up with this fucking job?”
It can be maternal–as in “Motherfucker.”
It can be political–”Fuck Tip O’Neil,”
And never forget General Custer’s last words: “Where did all them fucking Indians come from?”
Also the famous last words of the Mayor of Hiroshima: “What the fuck was that?”
And last but not least, the immortal words of the Captain of the Titanic, who said “Where is all of this fucking water coming from?

The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word! How can anyone be offended when you say fuck? Use it daily in your speech, it will add to your prestige.

Today…say to someone…”FUCK YOU!!”

Things You’d Never Know If It Weren’t For The Movies:

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

It doesn’t matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one…dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, heiroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

It’s easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

If someone says “I’ll be right back”, they won’t.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Little Johnny’s second-grade teacher was quizzing them on the alphabet.

“Johnny,” she says, “what comes after ‘O’?”

Johnny says, “Yeah!”

Q: What is a free midget housing?

A: A stay free mini pad.