Jokes News

A really mean farmer from Georgia had just died, and he had just entered Hell. The devil sensed that he was a real jerk so he decided to torture him a bit.

“Okay, Mr. Farmer… I’m gonna let you sit here in this room for a while all by yourself. So, see ya!” The devil said and left the room. He turned the tempurature up to about 100 degrees.

The next day the Devil came in to the room and there was the farmer, sitting there whistling. The devil closed the door, a little disturbed, and turned the temperature up to 200.

The next day, the devil came in and the farmer was smiling and whistling. “What are you so happy for?!?” asked the devil. “Oh, it’s just that this hot weather reminds me of weather out on the farm. It’s kinda nice.”

So, the devil figures that if he wants to torture the farmer, he should make the room really cold. He turned the temperature down to -100 degrees. “That’ll do,” the devil thought.

The next day he expected to come in and see the farmer freezing and mad. But, he walked in and the farmer was jumping up and down screaming, “YES, YES, YES!! ALRIGHT!!!”

Well this enraged the devil. “WHY IN THE WORLD ARE YOU SO HAPPY???” he bellowed.

“The Falcons are gonna win the Super Bowl!!!” said the farmer.

“What!?!?” asked the devil.

“I said, Hell is frozen over, so the Falcons are gonna win the Super Bowl!!!!!”

SEMINARS FOR MALES (prepared and presented by females)

1. Combatting Stupidity
2. You, Too, Can Do Housework
3. PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How to Fill an Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas: Give us Money
6. Understanding the Female Response to Your Coming in Drunk at 4:00am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly titled “Don’t Wash my Silks”)
8. Parenting: No, It Doesn’t End With Conception
9. Get a Life: Learn to Cook
10. How Not to Act Like a Jackass When You’re Obviously Wrong
11. Spelling: Even You Can Get it Right
12. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
13. You: The Weaker Sex
14. Reasons to Give Flowers
15. How to Stay Awake in Public
16. Why it is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere but the bathroom
17. Garbage: Getting it to the Curb
18. You Can Fall Asleep Without IT if You Really Try
19. The Morning Dilemma if IT’s awake: Take a Shower
20. I’ll Wear it if I Damn Well Please
21. How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (formerly titled “No, It’s Not a Bidet”)
22. “The Weekend” and “Sports” are Not Synonyms
23. Give Me a Break: Why We Know Your Excuses are Bull
24. How to Go Shopping with Your Mate and Not Get Lost
25. The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
26. Romanticism: Ideas Other Than Sex
27. Helpful Postural Hints for Couch Potatoes
28. Mothers-in-Law: They are People Too
29. Male Bonding: Leaving Your Friends at Home
30. You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
31. Seeing the True You (formerly “No, You Don’t Look Like Mel Gibson When Naked”)
32. Changing Your Underwear: It Really Works
33. The Attainable Goal: Omitting “tits” From Your Vocabulary
34. Fluffing the Blankets After Flatulating is Not Necessary
35. Techniques for calling home

SEMINARS FOR FEMALES (prepared and presented by males)

1. Elementary Map Reading
2. Crying and Law Enforcement
3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
6. The Seven-Outfit Week
7. PMS:YOUR Problem, Not Mine (”It’s Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With it”)
8. Driving I:Getting Past Automatic Transmissions
9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights
10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed
11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It’s As Simple As Oil and Water
12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament 13. Telephone Translations (formerly titled ” ‘Me Too’ Equals I Love You”)
14. How to Earn Your Own Money
15. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled “Fabric Bad, Electronics Good”)
16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
17. Beyond “Clean and Dirty“: The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station
19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy
21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out
23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled “Wedlock Schmedlock”)
24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above “I Do”
25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House
26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?

This celebrity is taking a shower. He has made it known to the public that he is celibate, and is firm on that fact. Even so, he occasionally feels the need to “release some built up tension”, and this is one of these occasions.

Just as he is finishing with himself, he sees a photographer, who has captured the whole episode on film.

“Hold on a minute” he says. “You can’t do that. You’ll destroy my reputation. I’ll be a laughing stock.”

“This picture is my lottery win,” says the photographer. “I’ll be financially secure for life.”

So the guy offers to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrive at a figure of two million dollars.

The guy then dries himself off, and heads off with his new camera. He meets his housekeeper, who spots the camera.

“That looks like a really good camera,” she says, “how much did it cost you?”

“Two million dollars”, he replies.

“TWO MILLION DOLLARS!” says the housekeeper, “They must have seen you coming.”

Q: What’s the difference between JFK and President Clinton?

One got his head blown off in the back of the presidential motorcade, the other was JFK

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says the shop owner, “and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it.”

“You can keep the story, old man,” he replies, “but I’ll take the rat.”

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

“Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story,” says the owner.

“No,” says the tourist, “I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer.”

Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.” In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she
confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and neverlooked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep thecans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these
years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again. “Hillary was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years.”

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later
Hillary asked Bill, “Why do you have all that money in thebox?”

Bill answered, “Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.”–

Q: What’s the difference between a duck?

A: A coat, a vest has no sleeves.

Did you know we are having intelluctial intercourse…I’m fucking with your mind.

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car.

His father took him to his study and said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we’ll talk about it.”

After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair….”

To which his father replied, “Yes, and they walked every where they went!”

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus;
And all ower da hood;
ereybody wuz’ sleepin’;
Dey wuz sleepin’ good.

We hunged up our stockings;
An hoped like de’ heck;
That old Santa Clause;
Be bringin’ our check.

All o’de fambily;
Wuz layin in de beds;
While Ripple and Thunderbird;
Danced through dey heads.

I passed out inna’ flo;
Right nex to my Maw;
When I heard sech a fuss;
I thunk: “It mus be de law!!!”

I looked out thru de bars;
What covered my doe;
’spectin’ de sheriff;
Wif a warrent fo sho.

And what did I see;
I said, “Lawd look at dat!!”
Ther’ wuz a huge watermellon;
Pulled by giant warf rats!!

Now ober all de years;
Santa Clause, he be white;
But looks liken us bros;
Gets a black Sanna dis nite.

Faster dan a Po’lees car;
My home boy he came;
He whupped on dem warf rats;
An’ called dem by name!

On Leroy, on ‘Lonzo ;
And on Willie Lee;
On Saphire, on Chenequa;
Dey wuz a site to see!!

As he landed dat watta’ mellon;
Out der in da skreet;
I knowed it was fo’ sho’;
Da damndest site I ebber did see.

He didn’t go down no chimbley;
He picked da’ lock on my doe;
An’ I sez to myself;
“Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!”

He had dis big bag;
Full of prezents I ‘xpect;
Wid Air Jordans and fake gold;
To wear roun’ my neck.

But he left no good prezents;
Jus started stealing my shit;
Got my drugs, got my guns,
Even got my burglar’s kit!!

Wit my stuff in de bag;
Out da window he flewed;
I woudda’ tried to catched him;
But he stoled my ‘nife too!!

He jumped on dat wadda’ mellon;
An’ whipped out a switch;
He wuz gone in a seccon’;
Dat son of a bitch!!

Next year I be hopin’:
Anutha Sanna we git;
Cuz’ diz here Sanna Clause;
Jus’ ain’t werf a shit!!!

Two immigrants, new to America, are wandering around on their first day off the boat in New York City, seeing the sights. Pretty soon they realize it’s time for lunch and
they’re hungry from walking around all morning. They see a street vendor selling hotdogs.

The first immigrant says, “I can’t believe it! They eat dogs in America.”

The second immigrant, although equally shocked, replies, “Well, we’re going to be Americans now, so we have to behave like Americans and eat like Americans.”

They approach the vendor and bravely order two hotdogs.
The vendor hands them their meals in paper sacks. They find a park bench nearby where they sit down to eat their first American meal. The first immigrant looks inside his sack.
Closing it quickly, he turns to his friend in shock.

“Uh, which part of the dog did YOU get?”