Jokes News

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute and said, “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, “Um… No.”

“Or,” the lawyer continued, “that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, “Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her pennyless with three children?”

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?

Technology for Country Folk…

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.

2. LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.

3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.

4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.

5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.

6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much
farwood.

7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.

8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.

9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain’t in the winter time.

10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it’s cold outside.

11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it’s blak fly season.

12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.

13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.

14. MICRO CHIP: Whut’s in the bottom of the munchie bag.

15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.

16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife.

17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.

18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.

19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.

20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.

21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine

23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer “C’mon in y’all”

24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain’t ‘member whut ya
paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.

25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

God gave men two heads but unfortunately he only gave them enough blood to use one at a time.

10. Your car can actually go airborn when driving over hills at high speeds.

9. Never flip off the elderly, they may have heart conditions.

8. If you see a pedestrian crossing the road, do not speed up and take bets on whether they will make it or if they will have to run back.

7. If you have little kids in the car and you see a rabbit hopping across the road, do not speed up and say “wow kids we almost didn’t get to see the Easter bunny this year.

6. Never try to drag race an ambulance.

5. Never tie your little brother’s bike to the bumper and tell him to hang on for the ride of his life.

4. If there is a kitten sleeping under the tire of your car, be sure to wake it up before backing out.

3. If you know your going to be late when driving somewhere and you will have to speed, be sure to have on makeup and nice clothes, police officers are more likely to
let you off.

2. Always drive with a bumper sticker on your car that says “My Dad’s a cop, so get off my Tail”, you’ll get away with a lot more.

And the #1 thing is:
The bank is not the same as the dive thru at McDonald’s,
there is a little metal door that opens up to put your money in and if you are too close, it will hit your car.

Why do blonde women do a handstand after having sex?

So that you can pay by Mastercard.

In our final class of Anthropology, the revered old Professor lectured about Race.

He lectured that in his opinion there was no such thing as Race.

That every living person was their own individual Race.

And that the only thing we should care about is the Human Race.

A perplexed student stood up and asked the Professor: How do we classify people then.

The Professor then calmly replied: If you must classify someone, there is only one thing you should classify them by.

The student yelled: What’s that?

The Professor replied: Whether or not that person is an Asshole!

Why do Canadiens do it doggystyle?

So they can both watch the hockey game!

One night a guy got really drunk. In the morning, he rolled over and sleeping peacefully beside him was the ugliest girl he’d ever seen.

Very quietly, he slipped his arm out from under her, got up, and dressed as fast as he could. He put a twenty-dollar bill on the bureau and started to tip-toe out.

Just then he felt a tug on his pant leg. Looking down, he saw a girl just as ugly as the one in the bed.

She looked up at him, smiled a toothless smile, and asked, “What? Nothing for the bridesmaid?”