Jokes News

Two ladies have played bridge together for years, nay decades.

Naturally they have gotten to know each other pretty well. One day, during a game, one lady suddenly looks up at the other and says, “Now, dear, I know that we’ve known each other for many years, but please don’t be angry or upset by this–could you please tell me your name? I’m trying to remember, but I just can’t bring it to mind.”

The other lady glares at her for a full three minutes, and then replies, “How soon do you need to know?”

Ernest Shackleton’s recruiting advertisement for 1912 Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition:

“Men wanted for hazardous journey. Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honour and recognition in case of success.”

If Shackleton were advertising in the 1990’s:

“Members wanted for adventure trek. Low cost, cool sights, fun nights, thrills galore, insurance available. Get your picture in Outside magazine.”

A man and woman were standing there getting married. The priest was talking. “Do you, John, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?”

“I do,” said John.

“And do you, Christina, take this man to be YOUR lawfully wedded wife?”

“I do,” she replied.

“And now, to forget old times and only move forward, break the glass which represents old times.” The priest places a piece of glass down. John steps on the glass, which makes a cool sound, like a bone snapping.

“YOW!” cried Christina.

“What? What is it, honey?”

“That’s not the glass, you idiot!” She cried. “That’s my foot!!!!!!”

A report in Vanity Fair claims that Governor Bush has dyslexia, which is a reading and writing disorder.
In a written response, Bush denied having this disorder. But doubt persists since he signed his name “W. George”.

Monica Lewinsky goes into her dry cleaners and says to the clerk, “I need this stain taken out of my dress.”

The clerk says, “Come, again!”

Eighty-year-old Max took his seventy-five-year-old wife Thelma to the doctor for her annual check-up.

After the examination, Dr. Adams told Thelma that she needed more physical activity…that her muscles and arteries would benefit if she had sex three times a week.

“Fine with me”, says Thelma, “but you better tell my husband.” So Doc Adams brings Max into his office and explains that Thelma is going to require sex three days a week.

“Which days?” asks Max.

“Let’s say Monday, Wednesday and Friday” replies the Doctor.

“Well, Doc, I can bring her Mondays and Wednesdays, but Fridays she’ll have to take the bus.”

Your moma is so fat, when she went swimming at the beach, the whales started singing “We are family!”

3 nuns were killed in a car crash and were sent to heaven. When they got there God was at the gate and he said “im very sorry but im going to have to ask you a simple question before you come in.”
“o.k” said the nuns. So God went to the first nun “who was the first women on earth?” “Eve” she replied. Yep your in. So he went to the second nun “where did she live?” “the garden of eden” she replied. yep your in as well.So he went to the third one and said “now because you are the mother supeirior yours will be a little bit harder, what did Eve say when she first saw Adam?” “oh thats a hard one..” “Yep your in too!”

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irish man.

One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irish man and tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a sissy.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Puzzled, the English man walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a sissy and he didn’t care!”

“You just don’t know how to set him off, watch and learn.” The second English man walked over and tapped the Irish man on the shoulder. “I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!”

“Oh, wow, I didn’t know that, thank you.”

Shocked beyond belief, the English man went back to his buddies. “You’re right, he is unshakable!”

The third English man said: “No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch.” The English man walked over to the Irish man, tapped him on the shoulder and said…”I hear your St. Patrick was an English man!”

“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

Q. Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?

A. Because there was a KFC on the other side.