Jokes News

1. Instead of getting a “General Protection Fault” error, your PC would get “Ferklempt”.

2. “Year 2000″ issues are replaced by “Year 5760-5761″ issues.

3. Hanukkah screen savers will have “Flying Dreidels”.

4. Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

5. After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.

6. Your “Start” button would be replaced with a “Let’s go! I’m not getting any younger!” button.

7. “Abort, Retry, Ignore” would be replaced with “Stop it already - You’re killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn’t hear that!”.

8. When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to “Remove the cable from your PC’s tuchis”.

9. Your multimedia player would be renamed to “Nu, so play my music already!”.

10. Internet Explorer would now have a spinning “Star of David” in the upper right corner.

11. You would hear the tune “Hava Nagila” during startup.
12. Microsoft Office would include “A little byte of this, and a little byte of that”.

13. When running “scandisk”, you will be prompted with a “You vant I should fix this?” message.

14. When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud “Oy!!!”.

15. A “monitor cleaning solution” from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the “schmutz” on your monitor.

16. After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go “Schloffen.”

17. Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope’s private chambers.

“What is that phone for?” he asks the pontiff.

“It’s my direct line to the Lord!”

The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord. The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up, the Rabbi says, “Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to pay for my phone charges.”

The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally, the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says, “Alright! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)

The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief Rabbi’s chambers, he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also is a direct line to the Lord. The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi’s phone. The Rabbi gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time, the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the Chief The Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: “1 Shekel 50!” ($0.42).

The Pope looks surprised: “Why so cheap!?”

The Rabbi smiles: “Local call.”

A man in D.C. was driving home and got stuck in traffic. He said to himself, “This traffic is worse than normal, we just aren’t moving at all.”

He sees a traffic cop walking down between the cars talking to the drivers, so he rolls down his window and asks what’s going on.

The officer tells him, “Clinton’s lawyers have just agreed to make an out of court settlement to Paula Jones, without Clinton’s knowledge. Clinton’s just heard about it, he’s hopping mad and he is laying down in the middle of the road threatening to dowse himself with gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn’t have the $1.0 million dollars for Paula Jones. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him.”

The man says, “Oh, really, how much have you got so far?”

“So far,” says the cop, “about 10 gallons.”

Spend more quality time with Chelsea and her 13 half brothers and sisters.

Tour the nations’ prisons to improve conditions. Visit friends while there.

Write book: “The American Presidency: An Oral History.”

Search for a new outlet for well-developed lying and cheating skills.

Catch up on eight-year stack of “Penthouse.”

Continue work counseling interns.

Get to know those Bush girls better.

An attorney is visiting his client at a large real estate development company. The attorney asks his client, “I have a good broker joke — do you want to hear it?”

The client says, “You should know that I am a broker, my boss is a broker, and the Chairman of the Board is a broker. Now, do you really want to tell your joke in here?”

The attorney thinks for a minute, and responds, “Naw, I don’t want to bill you for explaining it three times.”

Frank phones his wife Angie at ten to five and tells her he’s bringing his boss home for dinner. Angie is furious that she’s had no time to prepare but when Frank and his boss arrive, she has miraculously made a marvelous veal marsala, with pasta, chianti and a spinach salad.

She’s even managed to shower, change into a dress, and get their little six-year-old daughter, Stephanie, looking clean and pretty.

As they are seated at the dining room table, Frank says “Stephanie, honey, why don’t you say the blessing.”

“I don’t know how, Daddy”, she replies sweetly.

“It’s easy, Steph,” says her proud dad, “Just say what Mommy says.”

Stephanie bows her little head, closes her eyes, and says, “If that stupid bastard ever pulls a dumb stunt like this again, he won’t see pussy for a month.”

How many cowboys does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One if he isn’t wearing feet and hand restraints!

This is a true story as told to me by my boss.

A woman had just pulled into a mall parking lot and was trying to find a parking spot. She saw another car drive over a cat. Getting out of her car, and feeling sorry for the dead cat, she decided she would get a shopping bag from the nearest store in the mall, to put the dead cat in. Doing so, she then went to find a pay phone, inside the mall so that she could call the local humane society. Placing the bag near her feet, she proceeded to make her telephone call. When she ended her conversation, she noticed that the shopping bag was gone! Looking down the mall corridor, she noticed a man, with her bag, walking quickly away from her. Deciding he wanted the dead cat more than she did, she did not alert anyone to her stolen bag.

Continuing on with her shopping, lunchtime soon approached. The lady decided to have lunch in one of the mall’s restaurants. She had just been seated by the restaurant hostess, when lo and behold, the shopping bag thief was seated directly across from her! But… now he had 3 or 4 bags! The lady surmised that he had also stolen all of those bags too. As she watched, he proceeded to open his loot, and take out all merchandise, and admire everything. Finally, he reached her bag. Opening the bag, he turned pale as a ghost, fell out of his chair, and fainted. The restaurant management called 911, and the last the lady saw of the thief, he was on the stretcher, and all of his bags (including the dead cat) were placed on the stretcher beside him for the trip to the hospital.

Morale of the Story: Do not take what is not yours!!

Q: What is the dumbest thing a blonde could ask her mom?

A: Are you still a virgin?