Jokes News

A man and his wife always loved to go on the helicopter rides at the carnival, but they didn’t like the $10.00 per ride. So the man started negotiating with the pilot.

Finally, the pilot agreed to let them fly for free ONLY if they could last the entire flight without making a single sound.

So the helicopter took off. The pilot tried swerving and sudden stops, even 360 spins, but the whole time, he didn’t hear a peep out of the couple in the back.

When the flight had finished, the pilot told the man, “Man, I tried EVERY trick in the book, but I was amazed when I didn’t hear a sound!”

The man replied, “Yeah! I almost screamed when my wife fell out!”

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

“Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement.

But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”

A married couple is watching a movie with “love story” plot.

The woman asks, “Do you think they will marry each other at the end of the movie?”

“Sure they will” answers the man, “This kind of movie never has a happy ending!”

Your momma’s so fat that instead of perfume she uses room deodorizer!

Your momma’s so fat that she stepped on a dog’s tail and now we call him “Beaver”!

YOU KNOW YOU’RE FROM SOUTHERN DELAWARE IF:

1. You’ve never met any celebrities.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
3. “Vacation” means going to Six Flags.
4. You’ve seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
5. You measure distance in minutes.
6. You know several people who have hit a deer.
7. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
8. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
9. You’ve ridden the school bus for an hour each way.
10. You love the beach but hate the tourists.
11. You know about pumpkin-chunking and belt sander drag racing, and you have your favorite chunker and belt sander.
12. You know what’s knee-high by the Fourth of July.
13. You’ve eaten scrapple sandwiches.
14. You can identify all the major types of manure by smell.
15. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
16. You end your sentences with unnecessary prepositions.
Example: “Where’s my coat at?”
17. State festivals are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.
18. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
19. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer,and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
20. You carry jumper cables in your car.
21. You know what “cow tipping” and “snipe hunting” are.
22. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
23. You warsh your car with wuder.
24. You’ve been to a demolition derby at the State Fair.
25. You think everyone from a city has an accent.
26. You think the “Apple Scrapple Festival” is perfectly normal, except for all those granola-types running in the 5K race.
27. You think, maybe, just maybe, you might get a white Christmas. Then it rains.
28. The highest point in town is a rise on the golf course.
29. Your town has one hill. You’ve been sledding on it.
30. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
31. Your local paper puts winners of the Fire Prevention essays contest on the front page.
32. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
33. You talk of Northern Delaware and the entire Eastern Seaboard
as “above the canal.”
34. You know if another Delawarean is from southern, middle or northern Delaware as soon as they open their mouth.
35. After the Dairy Queen opened, people waited in line for hours to “try something new.” This went on for months.
36. The opening of a Walmart was declared by your mayor as, “The most exciting thing to happen in Western Sussex County in 50 years.”
37. When you want to go out for a nice dinner, you have to switch
states.
38. You actually get these jokes and forward them to your friends from Delaware.

Why did the blonde sleep with the Mexican?

Her teacher told her to do an essay.

I did not do it in a car

I did not do it in a bar

I did not do it in the dark

I did not do it in the park

I did not do it on a date

I did not ever fornicate

I did not do it at a dance

I did not do it in her pants

I did not get beyond first base

I did not do it in her face

I never did it in a bed

If you think that, you’ve been misled

I did not do it with a groan

I did not do it on the phone

I did not cause her dress to stain

I never boinked Saddam Hussein

I did not do it with a whip

I never fondled Linda Tripp

I never acted really silly

With volunteers like Kathleen Willey

There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher

I chased her ’round, but couldn’t catch her

No kinky stuff, not on your life

I wouldn’t, even with my wife

And Gennifer Flowers’ tale of woes

Was paid for by my right-wing foes

And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers

Are just a bunch of party poopers

I did not ask my friends to lie

I did not hang them out to dry

I did not do it last November

But if I did, I don’t remember

I did not do it in the hall

I could have, but I don’t recall

I never did it in my study

I never did it with my dog, Buddy

I never did it to Sox, the cat

I might have-once-with Arafat

I never did it in a hurry

I never groped Ms. Betty Currie

There was no sex at Arlington

There was no sex on Air Force One

I might have copped a little feel

And then endeavored to conceal

But never did these things so lewd

At least, not ever in the nude

These things to which I have confessed

They do not count, if we stayed dressed

It never happened with a cigar

I never dated Mrs. Starr

I did not know this little sin

Would be retold on CNN

I broke some rules my Mama taught me

I tried to hide, but now you’ve caught me

But I implore, I do beseech

Do not condemn, do not impeach

I might have got a little tail

But never, never did I inhale.

You know you’re in trouble when your standing behind Mother Teresa at the pearly gates and God is sending good people to heaven and bad people to hell. And God says to her, “You know, you should have done more.”