Jokes News

The average cucumber is at least six inches long

Cucumbers stay hard for a week

A Cucumber won’t tell you that size doesn’t count

Cucumbers don’t get too excited

A Cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety

Cucumbers are easy to pick up

You can fondle Cucumbers in the supermarket…and you know how firm it is before you take one home

Cucumbers can get away any weekend

With a Cucumber you can get a single room…and you won’t have to check in as Mrs. Cucumber

A Cucumber will always respect you in the morning

You can go to a movie with a Cucumber and see the movie

At a Drive-In you can stay in the front seat

A Cucumber can always wait until you get home

A Cucumber won’t eat all the Popcorn…or send you out for milk duds

A Cucumber won’t drag you out to a John Wayne film festival

A Cucumber won’t ask “Am I the first”

Cucumbers don’t care if your a virgin

Cucumbers won’t tell anyone your not a virgin anymore

With Cucumbers you don’t have to be a virgin more than once

Cucumbers don’t have sex hang-ups

Cucumbers won’t make you wear kinky clothes or go to bed with boots on

Cucumbers aren’t into rope and leather, talking dirty or swinging with fruits and nuts

You can have as many Cucumbers as you can handle

You only eat Cucumber when you feel like it

Cucumbers never need a round of applause

Cucumbers won’t ask: Am I the best? How was it? Did you cum? How many times?

Cucumbers aren’t jealous…of your gynecologist, ski instructor, or hair dresser

A Cucumber won’t want to join your support group

Cucumbers aren’t into meaningful discussions

Cucumbers won’t ask about your last lover..or speculate about the next one

A Cucumber will never make a scene because there are other Cucumbers in the refrigerator

A Cucumber won’t mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over

No matter how old you are, you can always get a fresh Cucumber

Cucumbers can handle rejection

A Cucumber won’t pout if you have a headache

A Cucumber won’t care what time of the month it is

A Cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet

A Cucumber won’t give it up for lent

With a Cucumber you never have to say your sorry

Cucumbers don’t leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest, or drool on the pillow

Cucumbers can stay up all night…and you don’t have to sleep on a wet spot

Afterwards a Cucumber won’t: want to shake hands and be friends, say “I’ll call you a cab, tell you he’s not the marrying kind, tell you he is the marrying kind call his mother, ex-wife, or therapist, take you to confession

Cucumbers don’t leave you wondering for a month

A Cucumber won’t make you go to the drugstore

Cucumbers won’t tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them

A Cucumber a day keeps the OB-Gyn away

A Cucumber won’t work your crossword puzzle in ink

A Cucumber isn’t allergic to your cat

With a Cucumber, you don’t have to play Florence Nightingale during the flu season

Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car

A Cucumber won’t eat all your food or drink all your liquor

A Cucumber doesn’t turn your bathroom into a library

Cucumbers won’t go through your medicine chest

A Cucumber doesn’t use your toothbrush, roll-on, or hairspray

Cucumbers won’t leave hair in the sink or a ring in the tub

Cucumbers don’t leave dirty shorts on the floor

A Cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet

A Cucumber doesn’t flush the toilet while your taking a shower

With a Cucumber the toilet seat is always the way you left it

Cucumbers don’t compare you to a Centerfold

Cucumbers can’t count to ten

Cucumbers don’t tell you they liked you better with long hair

A Cucumber will never leave for: another woman, another man, another Cucumber

A Cucumber will never call and say “I have to work late, Honey,” and then come home smelling like another woman

A Cucumber never snaps your bra, pinches your butt, or gives you a wedgie

You always know where your Cucumber has been

A Cucumber never has to call “the wife”

Cucumbers don’t have mid-life crisis

A Cucumber won’t leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun

Cucumbers don’t play the guiter and try to find themselves

You won’t find out later that your Cucumber: is married, is on penicillin, likes you, but loves your brother

A Cucumber doesn’t have softball practise on the day you move

Cucumbers never tell you what they did on R and R

A Cucumber won’t ask for a transfer just when you’re up for a promotion

Cucumbers don’t care if you make more money than they do

A Cucumber won’t wear a leisure suit to your office christmas party

You don’t have to wait till half time to talk to your Cucumber

A Cucumber won’t take you to a disco and dump you for a flashy outfit

Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom

A Cucumber doesn’t care if you always spend the holidays with your family

A Cucumber won’t ask to be put through med school

A Cucumber won’t tell you he’s outgrown you intellectually

Cucumbers never expect you to have little Cucumbers

Cucumbers don’t say,”let’s keep trying until we have a little boy.”

A Cucumber won’t insist the little cukes be raised Catholic, Jewish or Orthodox Vegetarian

It’s easy to drop a Cucumber

A Cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement, or seek custody of anything

A man and his beautiful blonde wife went out to dinner at a nice resturant on the third floor of a building. When they got there, the blonde excused herself to go to the restroom. Over an hour went by and the man was getting very worried.

Finally the wife came back. “Where have you been? I was getting worried!” the husband demanded.

The wife replied, “The escalator broke and I was stuck there for an hour and a half!”

A woman goes to the supermarket. She starts walking up and
down the aisles. Each aisle she goes to she touches her
head, her ears, her breasts, and her crotch.

After doing this a number of times a man approaches her and
ask if she is having a problem. She tells him no. He says that he would like to know what she is doing at the
beginning of each aisle. She says she is trying to remember her grocery list.

He seems puzzled and asks for an explanation, so she goes
thru the motions again.

She touches her head and says, “Head of lettuce.”
Ears: “Two ears of corn.”
Breasts: “Two chicken breasts.”
Crotch: “Fantastic.”

Abe’s son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.

“Dad, you’ll be so proud of me,” he said, “I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!”

“Oy Vey!” said Abe, “You could have run behind a taxi and saved $20.00!”

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.”

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when the bride and groom moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, “Will
you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.”

The groom then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”

The pastor put the $100 bill back into the groom’s hand and whispered, “She made me a MUCH better offer.”

Overload

A state cop was following a pickup truck down the road, when the guy in the truck suddenly stopped, got out, and banged all around on his canopy with a stick. He then got back in and went on down the road. In a little while he stopped again, got out, and banged all around on his canopy. This happened a number of times, and finally the cop caught up with the pickup and stopped him. The Officer asked the guy, “What in the world are you doing?”

The guy quickly replied, “Officer, I have a 1/2 ton pickup and I have a ton of canaries on board, so I have to keep half of them flying all the time so that my truck isn’t overloaded!

An inter-office softball game was held every year between the Marketing and Support Staff of one company.

The Support Staff whipped the Marketing Department soundly. To show just “how” the Marketing Department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game:

“The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 1999 Softball Season, we finished in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game this entire season.”

Billionaire H. Ross Perot once commented on the “intelligence level” of Vice President Dan Quayle:

“If you removed his brain from his head and tried to balance it on the edge of a razor blade, it would be equivalent to rolling a BB down the middle of an eight-lane divided highway.”

where did the base ball player sit 4 lunch…. behind the plate!!!!!!!!!

Is it just me, or does someone else think a Dodge Neon in black is an oxymoron?