Jokes News

One day the teacher is explaining to her class about morals.
She tells them about how her grandfather would raise chickens and that each morning, he would go out, gather the eggs, put them into cartons and carry them to the supermarket to sale. One day he ran out of cartons, so he put all his eggs into a basket, put the basket onto the back of his truck, and headed into town. Along the way, he hit a pothole, the basket fell over, and all the eggs were broken.
The moral of this story is “don’t put all your eggs in one basket”

One of her students told of how her father had raised chickens also, but that he would gather the eggs, put them under a heat lamp and in 21 days the eggs would hatch. He would then sale the chicks for $.50 each. One time he was short of cash, and knowing that he had 200 eggs, he went into town and bought things on credit. when the 21st day came, only 15 eggs hatched and he was in big trouble.
The moral of her story was,”don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

Then a little boy in her class stood up and told about his uncle Chester.

Uncle Chester was a paratrooper in the Army, and he fought in Vietnam. One day he jumped out of an airplane with nothing but h is M-16, a 50 round clip, and a case of beer. Before he had dropped very far, he had drank the beer and now was lighter. The wind caught his parachute and carried him over the enemy lines. He landed in the middle of a camp that had 60 enemy soldiers in it. He took his gun and killed fifty of them.
Then he grabbed his rifle, and started swinging it until he broke the handle off, but he had killed another 8 of the enemy soldiers. That was when he grabbed the other two with his bare hands and killed them.

To this the teacher was speechless and stated that this story was not useful because it didn’t have a moral, to which the little boy replied; “Of course it does.”
The moral of this story was “you don’t want to fuck with my uncle Chester when he’s been drinking”

A 5-year old girl came into the kitchen, where her Grandpa was, sat down in a chair, and started staring at him.

Her Grandpa was reading the paper and finally realized that she was staring at him and he asked, ” Why are you staring at me, sweetie?”

She answered, ” Well, I’m waiting for you to turn into a frog!”

“So why do you think I’m going to turn into a frog?” inquired Grandpa.

The little girl answered with a big smile on her face, “Cause mommy said that when you croak, we all get to go to Disneyland!”

Two elderly ladies were sitting in their rockers on the front porch of the retirement home chatting about the ‘old days.’

The younger of the two asked her companion, “Do you ever get horny while you are sitting out here?”

“Yes my dear, it happens every once in a while,” was the reply.

“Well,” said the first lady, “what do you do about it?”

“Oh I just suck on a Life Saver,” replied the elder lady.

“You do? - then who drives you down to the beach?”

A student comes to a young professor’s office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels in front of him, looks up into his eyes, pleadingly, and says, “I would do anything to pass this exam.”

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair and gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

“I mean…” she whispers in her low, sexy voice, ” … I would do…*ANYTHING*!!!”

He returns her gaze. “Anything?”

“Yes … Anything!!!”

His voice turns into a sexy whisper, also. “Would you … study?”

“What’s the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine?” the society matron asked the zookeeper.

“The principal difference is the North American species has a longer prick.”

This, as you might suspect, distressed the prim and proper matron who stormed immediately to the zoo manager’s office to protest.

The zoo manager said, “Ma’am, I do apologize for my staff’s uncouth choice of terms. What the keeper should have said is that the North American species has a long ‘quill.’
In fact, their pricks are just about the same size.”

There was a farmer who had a little boy named Albert.
One evening the farmer had to go to the barn to pull a calf. After working for several hours, the calf was born.
When the farmer turned, Albert was standing behind him and had witnessed the entire incident. The farmer thought to himself how tired he was and how many questions Albert would have about what he had just witnessed. He just did not feel like talkin’ about the birds and bees tonight.
“Okay, son,” said the farmer, “one question.”
“I only have one question, Father,” replied the boy.
“Okay.”
“Exactly how fast was that calf going when it hit the cow?”

After the resident lion tamer had resigned, the circus placed an ad in the local newspaper for a new lion tamer. On the day of the try-outs, at least fifty men showed up. The audition would have started if not for a young blonde wearing a trench coat who suddenly appeared. She asked the ringmaster for a slot in the try-out and the ringmaster decided to make the blonde try out first.

When the young blonde entered the large cage, the lion was released into the cage. It was roaring loudly and started to charge towards the blonde. Instead of running away, the blonde stood her ground and calmly let her trench coat drop to the ground. There was a gasp from the male applicants for the blonde was stark naked revealing a very sexy body. The lion strangely stopped in its tracks upon seeing such an unexpected sight. The lion then dropped to a crouch and crawled meekly towards the nude blonde. It then proceeded to lick the blonde’s legs, thighs and groin.

Turning towards the other male applicants, the ringmaster said, “Can anyone of you do THAT?”

One of the men spoke out, “Sure, I can! Just get the lion out of the way!”

Actor Michael Wilding was once asked whether actors had any distinguishing features that set them apart from other human beings. “Without a doubt,” he replied. “You can pick out actors by the glazed look that comes into their eyes when the conversation wanders away from themselves.”