Jokes News

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises you will be totally prepared for the test. And, best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your own home.

EXERCISE #1: Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

EXERCISE #2: Locate a large bench-type vise. While standing in the most uncomfortable upright position you can manage, insert your most sensitive breast between the squeeze plates. Hold your breath. Tighten down the handle on the vise until you are about to cry. Make three more turns on the handle for good measure.

EXERCISE #3: Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.

EXERCISE #4: Visit your garage at three in the morning when the temperature so the floor is just perfect. Take off all your warm clothes and lay uncomfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of your family car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other side.

Congratulations! Now you are prepared for your next mammogram.

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!).

The bank president then asked her how much she would like to
deposit. She replied, “$165,000!” and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?”

The old lady replied, “I make bets.”

The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?” The old woman said,”Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”

“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!” The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”

“Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”

The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 am as a witness?”

“Sure!” replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.

He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady
appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

“Well, Okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.”

Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”

She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 am today, I’d have The Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.”

I remember when a friend of mine, who was preparing for his wedding anniversary, called me up and said,
“I got a $300 bottle of champagne for my wife!”

I replied, “I wish I could make a trade like that!”

After tucking their three-year-old son, Sammy, into bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying, hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny, and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking helped.

His father, an an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy’s ear.

Sammy was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father’s hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, “Do it again, Dad!”

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself being sized up by God….

“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call; I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows ‘95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before.
I’m going to let you decide where you want to go.”

Bill replied, “Well, what’s the difference between the two?”

God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision.”

“Fine, but where should I go first?”

“I’ll leave that up to you.”

“Okay then,” said Bill, “let’s try Hell first.”

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

“This is great!” he told God. “If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!”

“Fine” said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

“Hmmm. I think I’d prefer Hell,” he told God.

“Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.”

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.

“How’s everything going?” he asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, “This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can’t believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beaches, and the beautiful women playing in the water????”

“That was the DEMO,” replied God

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to use the bathroom in the worst way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms.

He searched in vain for the rest rooms, but instead all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage. Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a go right there. When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun.

He searched in the dark until he found his wife. “Did I miss much of the second act?” he asked.

“Miss it?” she said, “You were starring in it!”

Morris was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon, Dr. Michael DeBakey, standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.

Morris, one of those loud mouths, shouted across the garage, “Hey, DeBakey…Is dat you? Come over here a minute.”

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris was working on a car.

Morris in a loud voice, so all could hear, said argumentatively, “So, Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this work. I also take valves out, grind ‘em, put in new parts, and when I finish, this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get all those big bucks, when you and me are doing basically the same work?”

DeBakey, very embarrassed, said softly to Morris, “Try doing your work with the engine running.”

The psychiatrist was not expecting the distraught stranger who staggered into his office and slumped into a chair.

“You’ve got to help me, Doctor. I’m losing my memory,” he sobbed. “I once had a successful business, a wife, home and family. I was a respected member of the community. But all that’s gone now. Since my memory began failing, I’ve lost the business–I couldn’t remember my client’s names. My wife and children have left me, too. And why shouldn’t they–some nights I wouldn’t get home until four or five in the morning. I’d forget where I lived….And it’s getting worse, Doctor, it’s getting worse!”

“This is not an unusual form of neurosis,” the psychiatrist said soothingly. “Now, tell me, just how ago did you first become aware of this condition?”

“Condition?” The man sat up in his chair. “What condition?”