Jokes News

yo mama so black, when she gets out of her car the oil light comes on.

10. You know, I’ve been complaining a lot lately. I don’t blame you for ignoring me.

9. The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.

8. While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they’ll still cover.

7. Bar food again?? Kick ass!!

6. I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

5. I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends. Tell me more.

4. Let’s just leave the toilet seat up all the time; then you won’t have to mess with it anymore.

3. It’s only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.

2. I’m so happy with my new hairstyle, I don’t think I’ll ever change it again.

1. I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly!

Teletubbies Personality Test

It amazes me how these things really work! How do they do it?? The following test was developed by a combination of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are extremely accurate in describing your personality with one simple question.

Which is your favorite Teletubby:

A. Yellow
B. Purple
C. Green
D. Red

(scroll down for psychological profile)
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Results:

A. You chose the Yellow Teletubby. You are gay.
B. You chose the Purple Teletubby. You are gay.
C. You chose the Green Teletubby. You are gay.
D. You chose the Red Teletubby. You are gay.

In a little Italian village, a man and his wife of 50 years are rocking back and forth on their porch. Suddenly, the wife stops, grabs her cane and whacks her husband across his shins as hard as she can. He cries out in pain, his eyes water, tears run down his face and he gasped, “Why did you do that?”

The old lady replies, “That’s for 50 years of BAD sex!”

He nods his head but says nothing and slowly, he and his wife begin to rock again. Suddenly he stops, grabs his own cane and whacks his wife across her shins as hard as he can. When her eyes stop watering and the pain subsides, she asks, “What was that for?”

The old man says, “That’s for knowing the difference.”

A man walks into a bar and walks up to the bartender, slams his fist on the bar, and says, “Bartender, give me a drink before the fight!”

The bartender looks at him suspiciously, but pours him a drink anyway. The man drinks it as fast as he can then slams his fist on the table again, demanding, “Bartender, give me a drink before the fight!”

“What fight?” says the bartender as he hands the man another drink.

The man gulps down the second drink before replying, “The fight I’ll be in after I tell you I can’t pay for the drinks I had!”

Dave is struggling through the Dallas airport terminal with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a man stops him and says “Pardon me, do you have the time?”

Dave sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. “It’s a quarter to three”, he says.

“Thanks, that’s a pretty fancy watch”, says the man.

Dave smiles. “Yes, I invented it. Check this out.”, and he shows him a time zone display, not just for every time zone on earth but for the one hundred largest cities. He hits a few buttons and from inside the watch a voice with a Southwestern accent says “It’s twelve minutes to three, pardner.”

“And listen to this”, says Dave, pushing the code for London England. “It’s eleven minutes before ten, old chap”, says a voice with a British accent.

“The voice quality is incredible, isn’t it,” says Dave, “but that’s not all…here’s a street map of Dallas.” And a tiny but very high-resolution map appears on the screen. “The flashing dot shows exactly where we are by satellite positioning” Dave explains…”and if you want to see a larger area, just say aloud ‘Recede’.” and the display changes to show the State map of Texas.

“I can’t believe this” says the man. “I want to buy your watch.”

“Oh, no,” says Dave, “I’m still working out the bugs…it’s not ready for sale yet, but look at this.” And he domonstrates the watch’s menu of one hundred Hollywood films, the complete works of Shakespeare, the nine symphonies of Beethoven and the complete works of Mozart played by the London Philharmonic Orchestra.

“I’ve gotta have this watch” says the man. “Name your price.”

“No, sorry,” says Dave, “it’s still not ready.”

“I’ll give you $1000 for it.”

“I’ve already spent more than that developing it.”

“OK, $5000″, says the man.

“But it’s not ready” explains Dave once again.

“Look” says the man, opening his briefcase. “Here’s $25000 in hundreds. Take it or leave it.”

Dave hesitates. He has only invested about $8000 in time and materials. With $25,000, he can make another, and add some new features. “OK, it’s a deal”, says Dave, slipping the watch off his wrist and handing it to the man, as he accepts the packets of bills.

They shake hands and the man starts happily on his way.

“Hey, wait a minute!” calls Dave. The man turns around warily. Dave points to the two suitcases he had been struggling with to get through the terminal. “Here,” says Dave, “Don’t forget your batteries.”

Q. What do you call a truck full of vibrators?

A. Toys for Twats

What does your profession say about you?
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1. MARKETING

You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2. SALES

Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree.” You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3. TECHNOLOGY

Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell? It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4. ENGINEERING

One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest “ergo dynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel syndrome.”

5. ACCOUNTING

The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6. HUMAN RESOURCES

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT

Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers” as everyone in you social circle is a “Middle Manager.”

8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT

(See above - Same sign, different title)

9. CUSTOMER SERVICE

Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10. CONSULTANT

Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your “skills” are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11. RECRUITER, “HEADHUNTER”

As a “person” that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO

You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13. GOVERNMENT WORKER

Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job..Thus the term “GO POSTAL”

Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole, the following conversation takes place.

First Guy: “You guys have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing today. I had to promise my wife that I’d build her a new deck for the pool.”

Second Guy: “You’re lucky. I had to promise my wife that I’d paint every room in the house next weekend.”

Third Guy: “You guys have it easy. I had to promise my wife that I’d remodel the kitchen for her.”

They continue to play the hole when they realize that the fourth guy hadn’t said anything. So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”

Fourth Guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30AM. When it goes off, I turn it off, nudge my wife and say “Golf course or intercourse?” She says “Don’t forget your sweater.”

“Doc,” the embarrased man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anyore.”

“Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

The next day the worried Mr.Thomas returned with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the doc said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down, please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you can put your clothes back on.”

The doctor took Mr. Thomas aside. “You are in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”