Jokes News

Confucius says, Man who walk through travel agents door sideways, going to Bangkok.

A man walks in the bar and has had way too much to drink. He decides to go to the bathroom and when he walks in there is another man and there are three holes in the wall. Above the three holes there are three buttons.

The other man in the bathroom says don’t ever stick your dick in any of the holes. The man thinks he is lyng so he does it anyway.

He sticks his dick in the first one and it is a woman fucking him good. He sticks his dick in the second hole and gets a great blowjob. The man sticks his dick in the third hole and faints.

He wakes up the next morning and finds himself in the hospital. The man can’t feel his dick so he asks the doctor,”Why am I here?” The doctor replies, “The third button was a tampon remover.”

A man complains to a friend “I can’t take it anymore.”

“What’s wrong?” his concerned friend asks.

“It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument she gets historical!”

“You mean ‘hysterical’,” his friend said, chuckling.

“No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll go, “I still remember that time when you . . . .”

A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says,
“What’s this?”

She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”

He turns beat red in horror and goes, “Geez, oh, er…I…”

She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

Joey was a very innocent man. He never had much luck with the women, until one night Joey was at the pub, and a very attracve women named Rachel approched him. They got on very well and organised to go out on a date.

Their date took them off to an Indian restaurant. They both order the hottest curry available. The night went well and once they had finished, they decided to go back to Joey’s place.

Once back at Joey’s, things went well, and off to the bedroom they went. Clothes off and into it they went. As Joey was a bit naive, it was the missonery position straight up. A few bumps and groans later, Rachel suggested that they get into the 69 position.

Joey was a bit taken back by Rachel’s forwardness, but agreed. Half a minute into it, Rachel lets off a fart that would straighten pubic hair. Joey was disgusted and said “what the hell was that”. “Sorry, it was the curry, it won’t happen again” replied Rachel. Half a minute later again, Rachel lets off a second fart that would peel paint from a wall. Joey, gagging for air, stops and says “what the hell was that”, “Sorry, it was the curry, it won’t happen again” replied Rachel. Once more, half a minute later again, Rachel lets off a third fart that that put Joey into tears.

Joey had enough and said “look Rachel, if this is a 69, I am not hanging aroung for 66 more”…..

What did Clint Eastwood say when he went in for a sex change?

Go ahead… make me gay.

If a rooster lays an egg on the top of a hill, which side does it roll down?

Neither side. Roosters don’t lay eggs!

To realize the value of ONE YEAR
Ask a student who has failed his exam.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH
Ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK
Ask an editor of a weekly.

To realize the value of ONE DAY
Ask a daily wage laborer.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR
Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE
Ask a person who has missed the train.

To realize the value of ONE SECOND
Ask a person who has survived an accident.

To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics.

To realize the value of ONE MICRO-SECOND
Ask a NASA scientist.

To realize the value of ONE NANO-SECOND
Ask a Hardware Engineer.

And if you still don’t realize the value of time you must be a Software Engineer!!!

Do you know why a male actuary always uses the urinal closest to the wall?

Because there is a 50% less risk of someone pissing on his shoes.

It’s always difficult to bring sad news, but you should know…

There was a great loss in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song “Hokey Pokey” died.

What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping his body in the casket.

They’d put his left leg in and… well, you know the rest.