Jokes News

What’s the hardest thing about skydiving?

The ground.

The drinker announced to the bartender, “It seems I’ve been
informally named advisor on ‘Sexual Matters’ at my company.”

“That sounds interesting. Does this mean you’ll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?”

“I’m not sure yet,” he answered. “During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they’d let me know.”

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn’t know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart “associate” standing there with dark shades on. She says, “Excuse me, sir…can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”

He says, “Ma’am, I’m blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes.” She didn’t believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, “That’s a 6′ graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line… It’s a good all around rod and reel and it’s $20.00″.

She says, “That’s amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.. I think it’s what I’m looking for so I’ll take it.”

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her.. being blind he wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, “That will be $25.50.”

She says, “But didn’t you say it was $20.00?” He says, “Yes ma’am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the stink bait is 2.50.”

NEW YORK–Tragedy struck at a popular Manhattan nightclub Saturday, when the roof of “The Tunnel” caught fire, collapsing and killing 43 party people.

According to fire-department officials, the death toll was exacerbated by the clubgoers’ unwillingness to evacuate the burning building.

“I tried shouting to the people on the dance floor that the roof was on fire and that they should exit the premises immediately, but they seemed unfazed by the danger,” firefighter Michael Pitti said. “I just kept shouting, ‘THE ROOF! THE ROOF! THE ROOF IS ON FIRE!’ and so forth, but they just went right on dancing, insisting that they didn’t need any water and that we should let the motherfucker burn.”

As flames continued to fill the nightclub, firefighters frantically urged the revelers to keep low to the ground to avoid smoke inhalation, but the warnings were universally ignored.

“I was screaming at the top of my lungs, ‘GET DOWN! GET DOWN, PARTY PEOPLE!’” said firefighter Garry Hodges of Ladder Company 42, “but the more I shouted out, the harder they danced.”

Though an NYFD investigation is still pending, the deadly blaze is believed to have begun at 11:40 p.m., when a roof-mounted ventilation system short-circuited, igniting the motherfucker.

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Cheers Hey
& Make Waves
Steve

Star Wars Euphemisms For Not Having A Girlfriend:

My force is no longer with me.
The Empire’s striking out.
Shaking hands with the wookie.
Darth Vader has no place to put his helmet.
Oiling the droid.
Unable to set coordinates for the planet Babe.
Spending the night with Han Solo.

Mr Heinz and his wife Belinda are in bed. The fun begins with a little kissing and rubbing and finally Mr Heinz is about to mount his lovely bride. She reminds him that he needs to put on a condom.

Mr Heinz makes his way to the dresser and finds a condom. He puts it on his penis and is making his way back to bed when their 7 year old son opens the bedroom door.

Belinda quickly covers her naked body with the sheet and Mr Heinz drops on all fours on the floor.

Junior asks: “What are you doing Dad?”

Dad replies anxiously: “I’m looking for a mouse.”

Junior responds: “Why? Are you going to fuck it?”