Jokes News

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, and concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.”

“On your way home from my office, stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, Sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bull’s eye in your wife’s love canal. Then, on hands and knees, you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grapes, using only your tongue.”

“Then, next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and, from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.” The couple went home, and their sex life became more and more wonderful!

They told their friends, Mr. and Mrs. Green, that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. So, he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news, “I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.”

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends, the Browns, now please, please help us!!!”

“Well, all right,” the doctor finally said. “On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and box of Cheerios…”

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.

I hadn’t considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, “I’m delivering him to my doctor’s office.”

The other driver leaned out of his window and said, “I hate to tell you, lady, but I think it’s *TOO* late!”

There was once a little boy who worked for a farmer as a field hand. One night the farmer told the little boy to wake bright and early to fetch some milk for his family’s breakfast. Early the next morning the boy head out to the field to milk the cows before the farmer awoke.

Time went by and time went by, it was getting very close to noon, when the little boy finally walked in with his bucket.

The farmer snatched the bucket and saw that the bucket wasn’t even half full. Enraged, the farmer screamed, “You’ve been gone all morning and this is all the milk you brought back?”

The boy apologized and tried to explain that he worked real hard, but that is all the milk the cow gave. The farmer asked which one of the cows he milked.

So the boy walks to the window and points to this cow sitting on the hill, and says, “That one, Sir.”

The farmer says, “Boy, that’s not a cow, that’s a bull.”

An elderly couple suffering from deteriorating memory signed up for a power memory class to improve their memories. The power memory method taught them to remember things by associating these with familiar objects. After completing the 5-day course, the old man was discussing the merits of the course with a neighbor in his backyard.

The old man claimed, “Signing up for that power memory class was one of the best things I’ve ever done.”

The neighbor asked, “So who was your instructor?”

“Well, lemme see,” said the old man. “What do you, ahhh, call that flower that smells nice but, ummm, has those thorns…”

“A rose?” volunteered the neighbor.

“Yeah, right!” nodded the old man who then turned towards his house and yelled, “Hey, Rose, what was the name of the instructor in our power memory class?”

A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to “GOD USA,” they decided to send it to President Clinton.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused, he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason, you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

Both have balls for decoration only.

A little blue smurf walked into a bar and hit his hand on the bar. The bartender then put a beer in front of the smurf and carried on making drinks for the others at the bar. A biker noticed but didn’t say anything.
About five minutes later, the smurf jumped on the bar and took a swig of his beer. The biker laughed, and the smurf stared at him. The little blue creature then ran down the bar, stuck his face in the biker’s beer and said, “Blwullbll!!” The smurf took another swig of his beer, and, staring at the biker, sat back in his barstool.
The biker got upset and flipped the smurf off, so the smurf jumped back on the bar, took another swig of his beer, ran down the bar, stuck his face in the biker’s beer and said, “Blwullb!!”
The biker then had had enough. He got the bartender’s attention and told him, “If that smurf does that one more time, I’ll cut his nuts off!”
The bartender quickly replied, “Little blue smurfs don’t have nuts.”
“Well, I’ll cut his dick off,” the biker said.
“Little blue smurfs don’t have dicks.” The bartender was trying hard not to laugh.
“Whoa!” The biker was very confused.”How do smurfs take a piss?”
The bartender started laughing, then said, “You’re going to be mad.”
“TELL ME!!”
The bartender smiled, and, glancing at the smurf, said, “BLWULLB!!”

Q: Do old men wear boxers or briefs?

A: Depends!

A mother and her son were flying “Southwest Airlines” from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The mother (who couldn’t think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

The stewardess asked, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”

He said that she had.

So she said, “Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time.”

A teacher is giving a spelling bee. She asks little John to spell the word, “Before.”

“Um…Before: b-e-e-f-o-r,” he replies, erroneously. The teacher then calls on Suzy.

“Before: b-e-p-h-o-r.” Again, she too is wrong, and the teacher calls on little Leroy.

“Before: b-e-f-o-r-e,” gloats the little boy.

Very good, Leroy! Now can you use the word in a sentence?”

“Yeah. Before: Two and two be fore.”