Jokes News

There’s quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn’t begin at 40. That’s a big fat lie.
My hair’s getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick’s-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel #5;
My new pacemaker’s all that keeps me alive.
When asked of my past, every detail I’ll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I’m off to read the obit, like I do every day;
If my name’s not there, I’ll once again start
Perfecting the art of falling apart!

What is the difference between Lorena Bobbit and John Bobbit?

One’s crazy and one’s just nuts.

what do you call a man with a small
penis?

justin

A very old, wrinkled man made it shakily through the door of a whorehouse, and went up to the madame.

“Is this the place where you have the girls for sex?” he inquired.

“You must be in the wrong place!” she replied. “Just how old are you?”

“92,” he replied.

“92! Hey, Pop, you’ve had it.”

“Oh”, said the old man, a bit dissappointed. “So how much do I owe you?”

Yo mama like a shotgun, one cock and she blows!!!

This guy sits down at a bar and says to the Bartender, “Give me 10 shots of Tequila. Just line ‘em up right here!”

The Bartender looks at him and says, “Man, that’s a lot of Tequila, can I ask why you want so many shots?”

The guy replies, “I just had my first blow job!”

The Bartender says, “ALRIGHT! Tell you what, The eleventh one’s on me!”

The guy says, “Naw, if ten shots of Tequila doesn’t get the taste outta my mouth, nothing will!”

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Patrick?”

“Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.”

“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.

Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny Billy?”

“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”

Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.

“Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”

An institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn’t be any trouble.

The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch. When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, “Up, nuts!” and the inmates immediately rose.

When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, “Down, nuts!” and the inmates sat. The game proceeded and the inmates were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, “Clap, nuts!” and the patients applauded just like normal fans.

Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer. But when he came back, there was a riot going on.

The director finally located his assistant and demanded, “What happened?”

“Everything was fine,” the assistant said, “until some guy came over and yelled, ‘Peanuts’!”