Jokes News

Jack and Jill went up the hill to have some fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. “Guaranteed like heck,” he thinks to himself, “But let’s see what they think they can do.”

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.

The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 29 year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Well, without a second thought, he takes off after her (like who wouldn’t). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through, he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, “I like the way this company does business.”

Over the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he has lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program.

He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it, there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging
around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. Her sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

He’s out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful,
the best he has ever had. He is really looking forward to the next four days, and for the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight.

On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.

“I love this company,” he thinks to himself, “I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun.”

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company’s 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program.

“Are you sure, sir?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.”

“Absolutely,” says he, “I love your program. I haven’t felt this good in years!”

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands Richard Simmons wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, I can have you!”

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking into her purse, she commented, “That’s funny. When I lost my bag, there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are 20 $1 bills.

The boy quicky replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a bucket of water.
God knows what Jack did with Jill.
She came down with a daughter!!!

A young woman brought her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner,her father asked the young man into his study for a chat.

“So, what are your plans?” he began.

“I’m a theology scholar,” the young man replied.

“Admirable!” the father said, “But what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter?”

“I will study and God will provide,” he explained.

“And how will you afford to raise children?”

“God will provide.”

The men left the study and the mother asked her husband, “How did it go?”

“He has no money or employment plans,” the father said. “But on the other hand, he thinks I’m God.”

What’s the difference between a wheat thin and a crackhead?

A wheat thin is a snack-cracker, and a crackhead is a crack-snacker!

Question: How are rain and sex alike?

Answer: You never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it’s going to last!!!

Q. What’s the difference between a nun and a car tire?

A. Sometimes a car tire will go down on you.

3 men are held hostage by the army. The army officer in charge says, “Have any of you got any last words?” The first guy says, “Earthquake!” so the whole army hid and the man jumped over the wall and ran away. Then the second man said, “Hurricane!” so the whole army again hid and the man jumped over the wall and ran away. Then it was the third mans turn, and he thought a while, then he said, “Fire!” and they all shot him.

There was this young blonde away from home in a foreign country, and she wanted to call her grandmother back in the US. Because of the country’s crappy economy, the blonde had to go to a large communications center to make the call.

Upon arriving she asked a man working there how much a call to the US would cost. He responded, “The call will cost $200.”

Being low on money, the blonde questioned if there was any other way she could reach her grandma.

“Not that I know of,” replied the man.

“Are you sure?” asked the blonde, “I’ll do anything to talk to my grandma.”

“Anything?” asked the man.

“Anything,” replied the blonde.

“Ok then, maybe there is something I can do for you, follow me,” said the man with a gleam in his eye.

The man lead her into a dark room where he pulled down his pants and said, “Ok, now do what you gotta do.”

The blonde obeyed and put his dick up to her mouth and said, “Hello, Grandma?”