Jokes News

Bob is going to it on the bathroom floor with a wild chick when he grunts, “Spread your legs! Spread your legs! Wider! Wider!”

She says, “What are you trying to do, get your balls in?”

He says, “I’m trying to get ‘em out!”

One day a smurf walks into a biker bar, jumps onto a stool, then the counter and orders a beer. After downing the beer the smurf looks down to the far end of the bar and sees the biggest biker in the place.

He then runs down to the biker, looks him square in the eyes, smiles from ear-to-ear, sticks his face in the biker’s beer and goes “bbbbbbb.”

After taking his face out of the biker’s beer he runs back to the other end of the bar and orders another beer.

While the smurf was ordering his beer the biker thought to himself that if that smurf came back over there and done that again. He was going to grab the smurf up by the neck and rip his pecker off.

Well, after the smurf finishes his second beer he looks down at the biker, who now has ordered another beer himself, and runs down to him.

The smurf again does everything the same, but this time after sticking his face in the biker’s beer and going “bbbbbbb” the biker grabs him.

“Ya know,” said the biker, “I told myself yhe next time ya come o’er her an’ one that I as gonna have ta rip yer pecker off.”

“I ain’t got a pecker,” the smurf replied.

“Well how do ya piss?”

“bbbbb”

Here is a TRUE story someone found, regarding exams at Cambridge University in the UK:

It seems that during an examination one day, a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: “I beg your pardon?”

Student: “Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.”

Proctor: “Sorry, no.”

Student: “Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.”

At this point, the student produced a copy of the 400 year-old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read (roughly translated): “Gentlemen sitting for examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale.”

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined 5 pounds sterling (US$7.95) for not wearing a SWORD to the examination, as ALSO mandated by the same set of laws.

What’s the difference between inlaws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

A Colonel sperm is giving his troop instructions. The Colonel sperm says, “Okay, now when you enter the cave you will find the ball. When you find it go up and say, ‘Hello I am the sperm.’ It will say, ‘Hello I am the egg.’ Then you will work to make a baby.”

That night the alarm sounds and the Private sperm swims into the cavern. Seeing something in the distance, he swims towards it.

When he gets there he says, “Hello, I am the sperm.”

“Hello, I am the tonsil.”

A guy was trying to console a friend who’d just found his wife in bed with another man. “Get over it, Buddy,” he said. “It’s NOT the end of the world.”

“Yeah, it’s easy for YOU to say,” answered his buddy. “But what if YOU came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?”

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, “I’d break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass.”

Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of
parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

You know most packages say Open here. What is the protocol if the package says, Open somewhere else?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

A noted professor was asked to give a talk on “Sex.” When he was introduced, he stood up and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure….”

…and then sat down, promptly.