Jokes News

One day there was a boy and he asked his mom, Mom how old are you?
His mom said that is a question you don’t ask a laddy. When the ate dinner the boy asked , Mom how much do you weigh.
The Mom said that is a question you don’t ask a laddy. When the Mom tucked the boy in he asked, her Mom why did you and dad get a divorce? Mom said because, just because.
The next day the boy went to school and told his friend that his mom would not tell him anything. So the friend says, Well look at her license. So the boy went home and saw that his mom was gardening and so he went inside and looked at her license. At dinner time the boy said, Mom 47 is not that old, 167lbs is not that fat Oh, I know why you and dad got divorce. Because you got an F in sex.

Four men went golfing together one day; the three men started for the first tee while the other went to pay his bill.

The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder and he is so successful he gave a friend a new home - for free!”

The second man said “My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’s so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillacs.”

The third man, not to be outdone, said, “My son is a stock broker and he is doing so well he gave a friend an entire stock portfolio.”

The fourth man had finally joined them on the tee after paying the bill. The first man mentioned that they were talking about their sons and asked, “How is your boy doing?”

The fourth man rather sheepishly replied, “Well, I’m not proud to say that my son is gay, but he must be doing something good-his last three boyfriends gave him a house, two Cadillacs, and a stock portfolio.”

Arthur: “So, how’s it going with the ladies?”

Todd: “Women to me are sex objects.”

Arthur: “Really?”

Todd: “Sure. Whenever I mention sex, they object.”

Yo mama’s so ugly, a cannibal took one look at her and ordered a salad!

Jason was a strapping handsome seventeen-year-old guy who was short-changed in the brains and equipment departments.

His sister Tracy was sixteen and lacked nothing in either department, so he depended on her for advice.

One day in the kitchen when the rest of the family was still asleep, he said to her, “I was at the beach yesterday and I got the feeling that a lot of girls were whispering and giggling about me. Why would they do that?”

“Well, Jason,” Tracy replied, “you’re a big strong guy, so the girls expect you to be big…..everywhere, if you get my meaning.”

“What can I do about it?” he asked.

Tracy thought for a moment. “Here”, she said. She took a huge potato from the pantry. “We’ll go to the beach together today, but before you come out of the changing room, stick this in your bathing suit.” She handed him the potato.

At the beach, Tracy was applying suntan lotion while she waited for Jason on a blanket near the water.

Before she saw him, she could hear girls laughing and she knew something was wrong. As Jason approached she couldn’t see the potato at first, but then she realized the mistake.

“Jason,” she said. “I meant for you to stick the potato in FRONT!!!”

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment.
One walks in, rather attractive, and they “discuss” her “rating, “which, of course, is on a 1 to 10 scale.

One says, “I’d give her a 7… she’s really quite pretty.” Another agrees, and so does the third, but the bartender, bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass, checks her out himself, and says “Nah, I’d only give her a 3.”

“A THREE?! How can you give her a three?!!!” says one of the three chaps at the table, “she’s a real pretty girl.” The bartender walking away, says “Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women.”

Puzzled, the guys looked at each other, figured the bartender had lousy taste in women, and went back to their ratings.

Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9. However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal, checks her out himself, and tells the fellows that he’d only give her a 5. “A FIVE?! How can you give her just a FIVE?!!! She’s absolutely gorgeous!!!”

The bartender casually replies that, again, he uses “the Budweiser method for rating women.”

“The Budweiser method?!” they puzzled, as the bartender returned to his post behind the bar. They were quite confused.

Three, maybe four minutes passed by, and then a marvelously STUNNING blonde, 5′11″ goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape… truly a work of flawless perfection!!! Without hesitation, the three “judges” at the table determine that this young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10. However, carrying a case of beer past them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender — once more overhearing their rating of the girl — glances studiously at her, and reveals to the chaps that the best, the very BEST that he could give her, would be a 7. “A SEVEN?!!! How in the WORLD could you give her just a mere SEVEN?!!! She’s GORGEOUS!!!”

“Well,” says the bartender, again, “I use the Budweiser method for rating women.”

“BUDWEISER?!!!” Says one of the guys, exasperated, “What in the Hell is this ‘Budweiser method’ for rating women?!!!”

“Well, says the bartender, “the Budweiser method for rating women is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her.”

As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter
was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, “Mom, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, “Mommy gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”

“Mommy, where’s my booger?”

This Amazing Compilation Wish Completer Survey Quiz is quite astounding. One young man in Grasklebakistaninopleopolis recieved a brand new goat for simply filling out this survey and taking the quiz. TRY IT YOURSELF, IT WILL REVEAL EVERYTHING BURRIED IN YOUR SOUL!!!

**Full name: It is spelled George Robertson, but pronounced Franklin O’Henry Ftang Ftang Ole Biscuit-barrel
**Nickname: The Pope
**Favorite color out of, muave, off-white, Asia Minor, Cindy Crawford: Elm Tree
**Favorite drink, mountain dew or crab juice? Parlezvous Frances?
**Yes? Crab grass
**37? arachnophobia
**Whistler’s Mother? Zaire

Now on to the quiz:
**What is the average speed of a raindrob suspended in a complete vacuum?
**How old was Napoleon when he died?
**How many times a day does the average human heart beat?
And finally:
**Did you really?

Now make a wish
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If you send this to 1 person your wish will not come true.
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*If you send this to 2-5 people your wish will not come true.
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If you send this to 5-15 people, your wish will not come true.
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HOWEVER
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If you send this to more than 15 people your wish will still not come true, but you will piss off a shitload of people.

If you were confused by any responses in this email send your questions and comment to

WHOGIVESARATSASSWHATYOUTHINK@blowitoutyourass.com

This grasshopper walks into a bar the bartender says:

“Hey we have a drink named after you!”

The grasshopper says :
“You have a drink named Steve?”